Why I Prefer Masturbation To Sex A Lot Of The Time

Amanda Chatel

Whoever said that sex was like pizza, “even when it’s bad it’s good,” was sorely mistaken. I’ve done the one-night stand thing — a lot — and never truly felt satisfied. It’s the lack of pleasure and the lack of orgasm equality that’s often a component of one-night stands that has turned me off from them all together. If I’m out and see a hot guy, I’d rather go home and think about him while masturbating versus bring him home and possibly have bad sex. For me, one-night stands don’t let me feel comfortable enough to share my kinks and, ultimately, my sexual needs. It’s like sex on mute or, at the very least, with the volume turned down.

Despite being a woman who really loves sex, sometimes I prefer masturbation. Actually, sometimes might be more like “a lot of the time." When you’ve found what you like and know how to yourself off, it’s hard not to prefer that.

“When you're a woman without a regular partner, satisfying intimate cravings can be difficult with one-night stands or other casual dalliances,” Melissa Vitale, Media Director for The New Society For Wellness (NSFW) and Owner of Melissa A Vitale PR. “Everyone has kinks. Not everyone is comfortable sharing them or exploring them the first time [they] have sex with someone. When you masturbate, you can explore all your kinks by yourself (and if you think you can't, I promise you, there's a toy for that). You're already comfortable with yourself and you can't embarrass yourself using an anal plug if there's no one there to question it!”

Preferring masturbation when I have a partner — both short-term and long-term — really has nothing to do with them. For the most part, I’ve been extremely fortunate when it comes to lovers. I've had great sex with these men, but that still doesn’t stop me from preferring masturbation to sex sometimes.

Like most women, I need clitoral stimulation to climax, so if we’re not using a vibrator or my clitoris isn't being touched, I won't orgasm. I realize that sex is more about the journey than the end result, but still, ideally, an orgasm would be great. Especially since there's a very good chance that my male partner has climaxed and is on his way to orgasm number two before I'm even fully aroused.

When I masturbate, I’m a sure thing. I also get to be selfish, which you just can’t be, or rather, shouldn’t be during sex. Sometimes I'm horny and just want to get in and out, without having to make a fuss over someone else. Other times I'm stressed out and need to some relief. There are also the times where I'm straight-up bored, have nothing going on, so why the hell not? For me, masturbation isn't always sexual in nature; sometimes it's simply a cure to a situation, a painkiller if I have cramps or a headache, or a sleep aid.

I also don't see either one as replacing the other. In my mind, sex and masturbation are separate entities. If I haven't had sex for months, I'm not masturbating because of that; I'm masturbating because I enjoy it. If I'm having sex regularly, I'm not choosing it over masturbation, because I masturbate just as much — masturbation makes sex better, so to not masturbate while in a relationship seems rather defeatist.

"What's important is to not replace the opportunity for a meaningful and satisfying sexual relationship with masturbation," Daniel Saynt, Founder and Chief Conspirator at The New Society For Wellness (NSFW), a Brooklyn-based private club and digital agency connecting like-minded millennials with vice-category brands through campaigns like National Masturbation Month, tells Bustle. "While past sex experiences may have been less than fulfilling, approaching new partners with a mindset dedicated to gaining the most from each other sexually and a vocabulary to navigate those situations will help you weed through the [partners] unwilling to put in the effort and find the gems that really know how to stimulate you."

I love masturbation and sex equally, but for completely different reasons and because each one caters to a specific need. It's just that sometimes I'd rather have some really hot solo time than share that time with someone else. That's not just OK, but completely healthy — and nothing to be ashamed about.