The “10 Minute Rule” Is A Low-Effort Way To Reconnect With Your Partner

When was the last time you had an uninterrupted chat with your partner? It’s so easy to come home from a busy day, turn on a show, and then go to bed without really catching up. While it’s fine to coexist on occasion — let’s be real, sometimes you’re just too tired to talk — it’s still important to check in regularly.

It’s why the “10-minute rule” is often spotted on the relationship side of TikTok. According to Chloe Lankshear, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, the 10-minute rule is a practice coined by Dr. Terri Orbuch that’s all about giving a partner undivided attention.

It might look like 10 minutes in the morning when you tell your partner about your schedule, or 10 minutes after work, where you sit down and catch up before doing anything else. You can do it every day or ask for a quick 10 minutes as-needed when you’re feeling unheard or unappreciated.

“The 10-minute rule is a great way to start trying to connect more with a partner you feel distant from,” Lankshear tells Bustle. “It's not too onerous — and most people can find 10 minutes in a day if they are being honest with themselves.” Here’s what to know about this hack, as well as tips for making it your own.

The 10-Minute Rule For Reconnecting

According to Ligia Orellana, MA, LMFT, a therapist in Los Angeles, couples truly benefit from giving each other undivided attention, and that’s exactly what the 10-minute rule is all about. The idea is for one partner to sit quietly and listen while the other gets 10 whole minutes to share whatever’s on their mind, and then you switch.

This habit can create emotional closeness, allow for more understanding of each other’s days, and increase your ability to communicate, Orellana says. Even if you just want to talk about how stressed you were in a meeting, or how excited you were to hear from an old friend, it will all provide your partner with important info that they can then use to show up for you.

The 10-minute rule also boosts your listening skills and gives you a safe space for validation which can keep your connection strong. “In the hustle and bustle of work, family, kids, and pets, we tend to put our emotional closeness with partners off to the side,” Orellana tells Bustle. “Putting time aside for each other allows couples to bring up the intimacy that was there when they were first starting to date.”

While this hack is perfect for staying connected on an average day, it can also work wonders after an argument. If you’re still feeling upset or frustrated hours later, go ahead and ask for 10 minutes and share why. During that time, you can calmly fill your partner in, and it’ll feel so good to know that their only job is to listen quietly and try to understand.

How To Try The 10-Minute Rule

The 10-minute rule is something you can do daily, every other day, or on an as-needed basis, like when you’re feeling disconnected at the end of a long week. According to Orellana, it works best if you chat during a time when you’re both stress-free, like when you’re sipping coffee on Saturday morning. That way, you can give each other undivided attention without feeling impatient, tired, or rushed.

If you have the floor, you can talk about your worries, accomplishments, or upcoming events, Orellana says. Take this time to fill your partner in on anything and everything. If you’re the one listening, you can chime in with validating comments, but for the most part, all you have to do is sit there and be present for your partner. Lankshear suggests suspending any reactions or defensiveness that may bubble to the surface and aiming to be curious instead. The 10-minute rule isn’t a back-and-forth conversation, but a chance to be heard.

It’s also OK to tweak the rules to make this hack work for you. Would you prefer to each get five minutes? Will you sit quietly, or would it be easier to talk while driving or walking? Should you hold hands? After your first 10-minute chat, Orellana also recommends checking and sharing how it felt.

Even if you gab to your partner all the time, the 10-minute rule is an interesting way to switch things up and be there for one another in a way that feels close, calming, and connected.

Sources:

Chloe Lankshear, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Ligia Orellana, MA, LMFT, anxiety therapist in Los Angeles