Am I Nonmonogamous Or Just Tempted To Cheat?

Q: When I’m in a long-term relationship, I find myself still wanting to flirt heavily with other people. I ended my last relationship a few months ago because of other issues, and I never cheated, but I don’t think I was as loyal as I should’ve been.

I discussed this issue with my partner during the relationship, but they — understandably — were not open to flirting with other people or slightly opening up our relationship. Do you think that in the right relationship, I could be 100% monogamous (so the loyalty issues would be related to my choice of partner) or do you think I can only be in an open relationship? How do I know if I’m nonmonogamous?

A: You didn’t get your letter? Your monogamy or nonmonogamy letter?

Kidding. I don’t think that monogamy and polyamory are on a spectrum, since that sort of implies they’re linear.

Rather, I think that every person has an ideal relationship with ideal boundaries, and that informs your definition of fidelity. And then, when you meet someone wonderful, you try to make a nice, hearty stew out of the bits and bobs you each bring to the table at that moment.

What “counts” as cheating to you might not to me. What made you insecure in a past relationship might not worry you with a new partner. It’s normal for monogamy to look a little different from couple to couple, as long as you’re both comfortable with the rules.

I had a friend who got too drunk and crashed at an old friend’s house. She ended up sleeping in bed with said friend. (Platonically. Literally just clothes-on sleeping). Her new boyfriend was very upset about the whole thing.

Everyone in our friend group had different ideas about how appropriate this was, what information she owed her partner, et cetera. Each person was convinced that their opinion was the Most Correct and Reasonable Point of View. It was fascinating to see how the same night could be interpreted in so many ways, which is why it’s important to figure out where your partner is coming from and where you stand.

There are plenty of people who think flirting outside their relationship is fine.

Starting a relationship isn’t like buying a car, where you compare colors and haggle about floor mats and compromise on four-wheel drive because it doesn’t snow that much where you live. You’re not choosing between a limited set of options. Your dynamic can be infinitely customizable, moment by moment, decision by decision — not just in the beginning, but forever. You do not have to perform coupledom based on anything you’ve ever seen before.

So, does that look like nonmonogamy for you? I have no idea. If I were you, I’d start doing some fun reading.

You might be interested in Open: One Woman’s Journey Through Love and Polyamory by Rachel Krantz (one of Bustle’s founding editors!), or Molly Roden Winter’s More: A Memoir of Open Marriage. I’ve also seen people recommend The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy as a recommendation, even for the non-anxious.

You can also just scoot around Reddit threads and see if anyone says something that resonates. Keep your eye out for anything that makes your heart go “Ahh, yes! That. That would be nice.”

Get ideas that aren’t just the classic hegemonic formula of: One Person + One Person (forever) = Happy.

There are plenty of people who think flirting outside their relationship is fine. There are also lots of happy monogamous couples who fantasize flings with other people but don’t act on it.

The bottom line: The more you understand about your own desires and boundaries, the easier it is to be deliberate about creating that kind of relationship. You don’t have to land on one concrete, permanent answer. The point is to get ideas that aren’t just the classic hegemonic formula of: One Person + One Person (forever) = Happy.

All you need — both now and in the future — is to have curiosity and respect for yourself and your partner(s). See what you like. Communicate what works and what feels off. Be honest early and often.

Of course, you might end up back at monogamy. It works for a lot of people, and not only because it’s the norm. For some people, it sounds fun in theory, but the experience doesn’t live up to that in practice — or at least, not in that specific practice with that partner. You don’t know yet. Like Krantz, for example, you might enjoy nonmonogamy for years before choosing to have a relationship with just one person.

I don’t know that you’ll find someone who eliminates your interest in flirting with other people. (I mean you specifically. I’m sure there are healthy monogamous couples out there who never desire a single other soul. I haven’t ever met one, but I’m sure they exist.)

But I don’t think that’s a very relevant or reasonable standard to hold a relationship to. The question is: Do you want to build a life with this person? Do you want to spend your time on Earth loving them?

If this isn’t the right pairing for you, that’s OK. You could tell the next person you date, “I’d still like to be able to do X with other people, even if we start getting more serious. What do you think?” Maybe that works for them, maybe it doesn’t. If not, you’ll have to decide if that’s a deal-breaker for you in that current moment.

You aren’t locked in to anything forever and ever. Boundaries can change. Don’t be afraid to get creative and ask for what you want right now. The label you use is less important than clearly communicating about what works for you both. When you do, you will find happiness, and it will be unmistakable.

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