"Catch-Up Culture" Is Ruining Your Friendships

It’s been literal months since you last saw your bestie. Sure, you text almost every day, but you don’t actually talk about the deep stuff. When you think about it, you might realize you don’t really connect when you get brunch or drinks, either. It just feels like you’re meeting for a quickie highlight reel before you repeat the process all over again. This is the basis of “catch-up culture,” and the internet isn’t happy about it.

On TikTok, many creators are calling out the downsides of “catch-up culture,” like @frankyslates who said it’s literally killing our friendships. “My friends and I live two miles away from each other, all in the same small town. And yet, scheduling dinner requires the specific alignment of our five million different spreadsheets,” she says in the viral clip. “Work schedules, travel, gym routine, partners.” It’s why they rarely see each other — and when they do it’s all about catching up.

This phrase, coined by Bad Friend author Michelle Elman, points to the phenomenon where friends update each other with check-ins and chats, but rarely spend genuine time together. “We forget to live with them, and not just check up on them,” @frankyslates added. In her comments, someone said, “I miss people just popping in for a visit, like my door is always open no need to schedule.” Another said, “Sense of community is lost, it’s so sad.”

Many people want to get back to having more genuine hangouts. “Not just sitting down every couple of months for an over-priced dinner and being like, ‘OK, what’s going on with you,’” creator @kachiumehh says in another clip. “I’m tired of the random updates on your life. Like, I actually want to be in it.” If you’re tired of this too, here’s what to do.

Catch-Up Culture Makes You Lonely

If you feel lonely or disconnected, catch-up culture might be to blame. According to Erica Schwartzberg, LMSW, a psychotherapist, catch-up culture is a lot like swimming in the shallow end of a pool — and it’s incredibly common.

On the surface, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. You hang out, have a few laughs. What’s wrong with that? But when you think about it, catch-ups can leave you feeling hollow. “You spend the entire time downloading life updates rather than actually being present together or creating new memories,” she tells Bustle.

While the occasional catch-up can be a fun aspect of friendship, it shouldn’t be the only aspect. Catch-up culture suggests that most meet ups miss out on the real sense of intimacy that comes with more frequent hangouts. You might not even realize you’re missing out on the everyday support — and it could explain why all your worries come pouring out over brunch.

Catch-up culture-based friendships rely on big, overly-planned events, which might be why so many people get cold feet and cancel at the last second. When every hangout feels like it has to be “worth it,” because you see each other so infrequently, it can feel like a lot of pressure. Do you really have the bandwidth to share six month’s worth of stories? Maybe not.

Not only are catch-ups draining, but they often aren’t even fun. It’s why newness is so important for connection. “When you share novel experiences with a friend, your brain doesn't just encode the experience — it encodes them into it,” Schwartzberg says. “You're building shared neural pathways, which is a more formulaic way of saying that doing new things together makes your friendship feel deeper and more alive.”

This is a reminder to not miss out on those random side quests that keep your friendships fresh, and prevent them from fizzling as you get older.

Avoiding Catch-Up Culture

The occasional catch-up isn’t a bad thing. Sometimes you really do need to get drinks with your BFF and recount all your Hinge dates. It’s also true that some friendships revolve around the gossipy catch-up, and that’s OK, too. Not everything needs to be deep, and you might even enjoy this type of connection.

If you feel like something’s missing, Schwartzberg recommends lowering the bar for get-togethers and increasing the frequency. “Make hangouts easy and ordinary, like doing errands together,” she says. Text your friend to see if they want to grab coffee, go with you to the pharmacy to buy a new toothbrush, or come over for an impromptu movie. You can also schedule something low-key, like a walk in the park every Thursday night.

Voice notes are also a godsend, especially if your friend lives far away or you’re just too busy for regular get-togethers. “It lets you hear each other's voices, share stream-of-consciousness thoughts, and feel more connected between hangouts,” she says. Play your friend’s voice note podcast-style as you clean or walk on the treadmill at the gym. Parallel play can also be fun. “Sometimes it's about sitting on the couch scrolling your phones together.”

When you open yourself up to more than just the occasional catch-up, you slowly start to build that village everyone keeps talking about. It might also mean feeling less alone. “We need witnesses to our lives,” Schwartzberg says. “People who know the ongoing narrative — not just the highlight reel.”

Source:

Erica Schwartzberg, LMSW, psychotherapist at Downtown Somatic Therapy