The Nudist Resort Was Fun Until My Boyfriend Got Jealous

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. When we got together, I was up-front about the fact that I’ve always been in open relationships, and that I’m not interested in long-term monogamy. He has never been in an open relationship, but he was interested and understanding. We agreed to start exclusive and keep talking about it.

At some point, we started joking about going to a nudist resort, and eventually he suggested we actually go. He thought it could be a fun way to dip our toes into being around other naked people without actually doing anything with them. Kind of a first step toward a more expansive sex life.

I’d never been to a nudist resort before, but I had a great time. It felt liberating. I’m not sure he got as much out of it, but we did have a fun trip. We agreed not to do anything with other people, but a few guys hit on me while we were there. I was friendly and polite, not overly flirty, but it was a good reminder of the parts of being open that I enjoy. My boyfriend found a few women hot, and we had fun talking about that together, but we’d agreed nothing would happen.

On the way home, my boyfriend admitted that seeing me naked around other men made him jealous — especially the guys who were taller or “in better shape” than he is (my boyfriend is so hot, I tell him this all the time). But he said that he feels more ready to go ahead and open our relationship, but with the rule that neither of us can date anyone we think is more attractive than each other. He wants to go back to the resort again this winter, but with permission to do things with other people.

Honestly, seeing him get so insecure was kind of a turnoff for me. How do I get over that? I really do want to open the relationship — the resort reaffirmed that — but I also don’t want to keep dealing with his insecurities.

A: There is a certain intimacy in being exposed (sorry for the pun) to your boyfriend’s insecurities. There is also, of course, a certain intimacy in being exposed to your boyfriend’s toenails. Not everything partners share is sexy; it’s understandable if you don’t find his jealousy hot. Most of us are drawn to confidence — that’s part of why parallel parking without using a backup camera is so attractive.

As you know, the premise of nonmonogamy isn’t that you will never feel jealous or insecure, but rather that you have a framework in place for dealing with those emotions: open communication, boundaries, and so on. (These structures ought to exist in any relationship, but they’re even more crucial once there are more people involved.) Part of how you deal with these emotions might include getting reassurance from your partner; however, your partner isn’t responsible for anticipating or assuaging every moment of self-doubt. Your boyfriend could aspire to acknowledge to himself, “The part of me that feels icky about my height doesn’t love it when a naked NBA G Leaguer hits on my girlfriend, but that is a Me Issue.”

It’s important for any partner to have healthy, reliable outlets for dealing with negative feelings — therapy, friends, a meditation practice, journaling, Muppet movies. Because they will occur in all relationships, whether you go to NudeVilla or stay at home watching the hit legal thriller Damages. Sometimes you’re going to get jealous of each other!

You’re both placing a lot of faith in the (sorry) totally absurd notion that somehow less attractive partners might circumvent envy. How the heck does the “less attractive” rule work? Is it purely looks-based? What about when a Hear Me Out comes along? What about baristas with raw charisma, or unshowered drummers who magically become hot onstage? I simply don’t think it’s a reasonable or enforceable boundary.

The answer cannot be that he keeps seething and sipping piña coladas at NudeVilla watching you shimmy on the dance floor with your bits and t*ts out, turning down any man who might be “too hot” for your relationship to handle.

Frankly, I think the whole endeavor invites more comparison and potential appearance-based shame. It certainly doesn’t seem to inspire feelings of warmth and love to pore over each other’s Feeld matches going, “Yes, they are ugly enough. You may bang.” Or, “Ask how tall they are because I don’t want to think of you sleeping with someone who is 6’4”.” Like, come on, that’s not expansive and passionate, it’s crass and tacky!

Instead, I think you both need to assume that if you open the relationship, you both are going to, from time to time, be hit with feelings of envy, loneliness, or frustration, regardless of any rules you set in place.

The question here to me is: Is opening the relationship something your boyfriend actually desires? Perhaps this is obvious, but all the self-worth and coping mechanisms in the world won’t make an open relationship work for someone who doesn’t really want one.

If it turns out that he’s not as into being open as previously discussed, that might be a deal-breaker for you. You two might simply want incompatible things, which is an awful, heartrending possibility when you love someone.

I suspect that what feels desirable about nonmonogamy to you is the freedom it offers; I think you need to ask your boyfriend what appeals to him about the arrangement.

Is it that he fears he might lose you otherwise? It’s a valid concern. But the answer cannot be that he keeps seething and sipping piña coladas at NudeVilla watching you shimmy on the dance floor with your bits and t*ts out, turning down any man who might be “too hot” for your relationship to handle. That’s a Pyrrhic compromise.

There is a way forward, but it’s going to involve a lot of honesty on both of your parts about what you really want and what you really require in a relationship. Is nonmonogamy really worth it if you have to submit headshots for your boyfriend’s approval?

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