12 Times Coffee Is Better Than Sex

Listen, I'm a huge fan of morning sex. I'll sing those praises until the day I die. But, like, sometimes that just isn't an option — and even if it is, sometimes coffee is better than sex. Plain and simple.

I started drinking coffee roughly two years before I started having sex. In a large part, I'm a whole lot more dependent on and trusting of a black cup of coffee than sex with a hot person of any kind. Coffee is dependable. Coffee is DIY. Coffee lets you take charge and do it exactly how you like. Coffee is good to go whenever and as frequently as you like. Sure, you might be lucky enough to score a partner who will drop by for a little lunch sex, but the humans necessary to make sex happen usually have jobs. Coffee has literally nothing else going on so it's forever on call for you to enjoy it, to let it power you, to sip or slurp at your preferred speed. I guess you could even go so far as to say coffee is better than humans in general, but let's just focus on one thing at a time for now. Sometimes coffee is better than sex, such as these times:

When you're running late

Toss an ice cube in a fresh cup and chug while leaning over the sink! I do this most mornings. People, on the other hand, are less inclined to bang over the sink while you're furiously texting an "On my way!" type lie to your friends.

When you need a boost to-go

Car sex is kinda unchill. Not only is it cramped, it could get you slapped with a public indecency charge. And OK, I'm sure it's hot sex or whatever, but hot coffee never threatened legal repercussions like that.

When you gotta take it to the shower

Shower sex is dumb. Shower coffee is brilliant.

When you're already out and crave a kick

Looking for a person to stuff organs with at any given bodega is far less advised.

When you grabbed a dapper new mobile mug

Stylin' and profilin'. Mobile sex is hard and of questionable legality.

When you want an excuse to visit the cute barista

Which could turn into the best of both worlds: coffee AND sex. I mean, I was a barista for a while until I was fired, but you should still trust me on this. It does work sometimes.

When you don't want dinner to end

Coffee can help elongate an enjoyable dining experience. Sex, as we all know, can expedite it. Why rush things? Going out to eat is a luxurious experience, especially if someone else is flipping the tab.

When you need a little alone time

Sex involves another person, which by definition makes you not alone, so.

When you want to couple up your dessert

Cheesecake gets lonely sometimes. Also, dessert is way better paired with coffee than, say, smeared across a hot bod. The latter sounds cool in theory but IRL, what a freaking mess.

When breakfast seems lonely

The conversation is much more tantalizing.

When you didn't feel like shaving


When you wanna be truly no-strings-attached

People have this pesky habit of becoming emotional and sex is an effective way to get to that point. Even if you think you've nailed the casual sex thing, that usually just means you're not the person getting invested. Sorry? But the great news is coffee forgives and better yet — it forgets. So fill 'er up and enjoy.

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