When filmmaker Lewis Hancox wrote a listicle for BuzzFeed on what not to say to trans men — including "How do you have sex?" — some commenters pointed out that there is very little information out there about that topic, and educating people about how bodies unlike theirs work might help them talk to trans people in a more sensitive and understanding manner. Accordingly, Hancox decided to satisfy his readers' curiosity and answer this frequently asked question through the video "'HOW DO YOU HAVE SEX?' (As a Transgender Guy)." As Laverne Cox reminded Katie Couric, it's still impolite to ask a trans person anything you wouldn't ask a cis person; furthermore, trans people are also under no obligation to answer every question cis people might have. Hancox has done us all an enormous favor by speaking openly about this particular issue, though, so we should all take the opportunity to learn as much as we can from it.
As Hancox points out, one transgender man cannot cannot speak for all trangender men. "Everybody likes different things in the bedroom, trans or not," he notes, adding that he can't generalize about specific body parts because some trans people have had surgery and some haven't. However, he can speak to how his sex life changed during and after his transition.
Here are some key takeaways from the video. Listen up, because just as you wouldn't ask cis people about their sex lives unless you were good friends, it's usually not OK to go around asking trans people you don't know very well (or at all) about such private matters.
1. Trans men may view their naughty bits as male even before hormone treatments or surgery.
Hancox says he never acknowledged his vagina because the label felt completely foreign to him; he also always viewed his clitoris as a small penis, which makes sense since the organs are similar. So, you should never assume you know what to call someone's body parts; that's a personal decision, just like what pronouns someone wants to be addressed by. Besides, the state of someone else's body parts is usually none of our business anyway unless we're about to get up close and personal with them.
2. The clitoris actually does grow during hormone treatment.
After joking that he actually has a "Chinese dragon," Hancox describes growing a small penis during hormone treatment. Though it wasn't big enough for intercourse, he "could still do lots of other stuff the same way that non-trans guys could do" (use your imagination).
3. Surgical penises are surprisingly realistic.
"After our first time, my girlfriend was amazed by how natural it felt," says Hancox, who had metoidioplasty — a type of surgery that "works with what's already there." But, he points out, "it hasn't made a massive difference to our sex life because, before the surgery, I was still a guy with genitals that resembled a guy's."
While the prospect of sex with someone without the organs you're used to might make you uncomfortable, Hancox has "faith that when you really do like someone, you look past their physicality." It sounds like it hasn't been a problem for him. He has been extremely patient with us, and it's hugely helpful to share this intimate information with us — so watch the full video below:
Images: MrLewzer/YouTube (4)
