I'm not going to sit here and play the "my AP classes stick is bigger than yours" because NINE. I TOOK NINE AP CLASSES. (I also made it a full 18 words into this post without humble-bragging, which is 18 more words than I thought I would, so there's that.) The truth is that taking AP classes in high school was every nerd's way of trying to show up other nerds (and also, like, to get into college or whatever). We collected them the way we collected Pokémon cards in the '90s, and showed them off just as readily. And truth talk: I came from Fairfax County, one of the most competitive counties in the nation, so my nine classes were the kiddie pool version of what some of my classmates were doing. Trying to be smug while constantly being out-smugged by other humans is a challenge I still face into my adulthood, thank you very much, College Board.
I can't say that I remember a lot about those last few years of high school, because I'm pretty sure my brain intentionally blacked it all out for my pimply, insecure, sleepless, whiny well-being. But every so often I smell the panic wafting off of a teenager or hear the sound of something vaguely reminiscent of a textbook slamming against a bedroom wall, and I'm there again. Fourth period AP Stats. Second Period AP Lit. Sixth Period AP World. In the words of Dumbledore: "After all this time?" My sad, significantly less romantic Snape-esque answer: "Always."
The truth is, you can be done with your APs, but your APs are never really done with you. Here are all the signs that you took way too many APs in high school, and you'll never be able to outrun the things it did to your brain:
You Are A Champion At Bullsh*t
If there is one thing I learned from taking AP history classes, it's that life is basically one big DBQ.
Your Multi-Tasking Game Is Scary On Point
Anyone who thinks they can't drink wine, pay their taxes, and stalk their ex on Facebook at the same time is a non believer who won't survive the winter.
You Are The Expert Of The Modern Day Humble Brag
Including and not limited to low key using your job to write an article bragging about how on point your 17-year-old self's GPA game was. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
You Still Have Weird Dreams About Your AP Scores
How did I get a 3.56?!
You Are The Human Version Of Hermione's Time Turner
Actually, you're fairly confident you could have maintained her entire Third Year schedule without one. The time space continuum had nothing on you.
You Secretly Revel In Crushing People In The Most Inane Competitions
I guessed the right number of pink jelly beans in this jar, so SUCK! A! BIG! BAG! OF! D ... heyyyy, Mom.
Your Body Is Primed For Emergency All-Nighters
Here's the thing about AP kids: They will never pull all-nighters in college. They know better. But when the time comes — missed red eye flights, emergency flat tires, a bunch of syndicated reruns of Friends and no room on the DVR — they will show their true sleepless colors like the champions they once were.
Your Solution For All Your Life Crises Is "More Highlighters"
Big report due at work? Highlighters. Not sure if you left the stove on? Highlighters. The ozone layer is widening the point where mankind is hurtling to an inevitable doom by the fault of their own hand? HIGHLIGHTERS!!!
You Basically Majored In Nonsense
At some point you have so many leftover credits from the ones your APs already covered that your Tuesday mornings are History Of Circus Performing, the Psychology Of Sex, and Elvish. Cuz you came to college to get LEARNT.
You Get Weirdly Jeal When Someone Who Didn't Take APs Is Crushing It At Life
You fully recognize that AP classes do literally nothing to get you ahead in life and that they have no measure on your worth as a person, BUT. There is still a vengeful, hateful, horrible part of you that wishes it did.
Your Caffeine Tolerance Is Clinically Insane
The 27th cup of coffee oughta do it, though.
Even The Words "Free Time" Give You An Existential Crisis
But what ... happens ... during that time? Help.
You Still Passive Aggressively Compete Over How Many APs You Took
It doesn't matter. We're all adults. (Except that it does matter and it ALWAYS WILL and anybody who didn't take as many as you can SUCK IT.)
Images: NBC; Giphy(12)