Like any mildly to moderately alternative teen in the early 2000s, I used to have a deep affinity for pirates, and, subsequently, the original Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Vampires were my mainstay, of course, but pirates still accomplished that whole bad boy thing every eighth grader craves. And when I found out that Orlando Bloom was returning to the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise as Will Turner, I couldn't help having a rush of feels. It made me reflect... remember when choosing a pirate boyfriend was an imperative choice in your life?
Don't side-eye me, child. Anyone who had any emotional stake in those movies eventually had to pick a side. Were you team Jack Sparrow (I'm sorry, Captain Jack Sparrow) or team Will Turner? Or, were you team First Mate Something Or Other? Choosing a nautical soulmate was a difficult endeavor, but it was the kind of crucial decision that really determined the rest of your romantic future.
If you're having doubts of the gravity of this, let me just pull you through what your favorite pirate love interest back then said about your current romantic present. And brace yourself, savvy? Because we're about to enter some strange waters.
Captain Jack Sparrow
Your first boyfriend wore a lot of eyeliner and was Myspace famous. Your current boyfriend-esque thing is, like, famous within the music scene you're part of, but it's very doubtful he'll ever make it big. No, it doesn't bother you that he's been with most of the girls, and some of the guys, within that scene. That rage black out you had at his last show was about something else entirely. You're also not turned off by the fact that he's 31 and lives in a room about a garage.
He's just so gosh darn charming.
You've kind of been in a long standing relationship with the Dean Forester of your town. Like, he's handsome and noble for the most part, and he has like one or two admirable quirks. And he was kind of an improper suitor according to your parents when you started dating... like 10 years ago. A stunning face and a Metallica T-shirt? Whoa, trouble! But no, your type is sort of badass lite, and you're happy about that, for the most part.
Captain Hector Barbossa
You have a big, big crush on the bartender at the salty dive bar next to your house. He owns his own bar! Entrepreneurial skills like that are so important in a companion.
Commodore James Norrington
You're not really into that rock n' roll lifestyle. You are really into your dad's work associate Steve. Steve is a Yale man, and quite an accountant. You've already started picking out the bridesmaids dresses for your wedding. You're not sure about the cut, but for the color you're thinking champagne.
See, you're really more into your friend's dad, who has followed the Grateful Dead on tour six times. You drunkenly state this fact every time you come over for family barbecues. You think she'll get over it one day soon.
You like passionate tales of lost love and tentacle hentai.
You dated the Dean Forester of your town for a year before you realized you could get satisfaction elsewhere. You and your girlfriend are both architects and live a very happy life together in Park Slope. So, basically, you have the best taste in partners of anyone else on this list. Go, you.
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