I’m all about the onesie. Summer, spring, fall, winter… it doesn’t matter to me. If it fits like pajamas, feels like pajamas, but doesn’t LOOK like pajamas, I will put it on my body. But the biggest drawback to wearing a onesie is the rather ungraceful removal process when you need to pee. Some onesies are easier than others — but either way, you always wind up basically butt-ass naked when going to the bathroom. And it's just plain awkward.
Despite the bathroom issues that arise from wearing a onesie, I've still purchased countless varieties over the last year. The onesie eliminates so many wardrobe hassles — like matching. If putting together a cohesive outfit is daunting, then why not just eliminate the choices? Make one choice: the choice to wear a onesie. And maybe struggle over what statement necklace to wear. But in reality, onesies are a statement of their own.
But let's be real: there is one definite con to the onesie game. It's inevitable — you are going to have to use the bathroom at some point while wearing a onesie. It's weird. It's strange. It makes you feel very vulnerable. But if you're going to rock a onesie, you need to get on board with the going to the bathroom thing. To help you mentally prepare, here are the eight emotional stages you will likely encounter when you're wearing a one-piece, and ring ring, natural calls.
Stage 1: The “How Do I Get This Off?” Anxiety
It can’t go over your head, so it has to come down. Unless you can just maneuver the crotch strip to the side a little and relieve yourself that way? Note: This only applies to the short romper variety, not the pant suit.
Stage 2: The “This Reminds Me Of Swim Team” Realization
You start channeling your sophomore year swim practice skills. No one took a one-piece suit off to go to the bathroom. You just moved that business to the side. Or you peed right through it. Or you peed in the pool. Sadly, neither options apply here, mainly because you are at work.
Stage 3: The “I Will Find A Way Out Without Damaging This” Resolve
There’s no zipper you can possibly reach, and you paid way too much money on these glorified pajamas to stretch the hell out of them with an arm release. But you don’t know what your other options are, and your bladder is borderline bursting. You're to the point where you contemplate peeing right through it.
Stage 4: The “I Am The Great Houdini!” Relief
You're able to slip one elbow out! Suddenly, you feel like Houdini. You look around to see if anyone is watching to applaud this magnificent triumph.
Stage 5: The “I Hope No One Can See Me” Panic
While looking for some sisterly love for your mad skills, you center back to reality and hope no one is actually watching the show. Now that you've maneuvered the onesie off, and are relieving yourself, you have this crippling realization that you are in a public restroom, completely naked. Pants on the ground. Feeling like Shaggy, about to get caught red handed.
Stage 6: The “Free Boobin’ Seemed Like Such a Good Idea” Regret
If you are lucky like me, the onesie game also eliminates the need for a bra. Free boobin’ in public is just the best, however, being naked in a public restroom is not. We all know those doors aren’t crack-proof. So you slowly lift your arm horizontally to cover your nipples. The procedure cannot end soon enough so you can just get dressed again and preserve what dignity you still have.
Stage 7: The “Anything-But-Zen Bathroom Yoga Class” Participation
Sadly the worst is yet to come. You still have to get dressed again. Most onesies have some kind of snap, zipper, or button situation that makes dressing alone nearly impossible — let alone redressing in the confined space of a bathroom stall. After business is done, it’s on to what I like to call “bathroom yoga.” You actually do a triceps stretch and a couple backbends to loosen up your muscles in preparation for the ungodly poses that your body is about to be in. You now wish you did have some sisters in the bathroom, so they could take pity on you and just offer to redo those tricky spinal buttons for you.
Stage 8: The “I’m As Cool As A Onesie-Wearing Cucumber” Strut
You know that feeling when you're riding a bike? And you do a face plant in the middle of a busy intersection? And instead of first assessing your body damage, the only thing you care about is looking around to see if anyone saw you? There's a similar feeling to leaving the bathroom after the onesie ordeal. You smooth your hair, check your lipstick, and play it all cool like you didn't just struggle with life for the last 15 minutes.
The next time you find yourself in a onesie and you need to pee, know you are not alone. I’ve been there, and I’ll continue to go there. Because the pros of wearing a onesie will always outweigh the con.