28 Things The Perfect '90s Guy Had, From Game Boys To Too Much Drakkar Noir
Sometimes I wonder what we'll think of the mid-2010s aesthetic when we look back on it 20 years from now. Will it look as hilariously dated as the '90s aesthetic does? Because seriously, you guys — if these 28 things the perfect '90s guy had are anything to go by, we're going to look really, really goofy in a couple of decades. Same thing goes for all those things the perfect '90s girl had. Filling our world up with these bits and bobs may have been the thing to do back then — but sometimes, you just look back on everything and say to yourself, “Good gravy, what were we thinking?!” Ah well; at least they're mostly full of fond memories, right?
As I noted previously, though, just because the “perfect '90s guy” allegedly had all these things, that doesn't mean that you weren't perfect if you didn't have them; heck, having or not having them doesn't even mean that you're necessarily a guy or not. Sure, a lot of these items may have been targeted mostly at boys — but as a '90s girl who had both a Game Boy in her backpack and stick-on earrings pasted onto her earlobes… well, perhaps I'm stating the obvious here, but any and all of these things were and are for anyone and everyone.
But you definitely knew at least one guy who had most of these things, right? We all did. Maybe he was the kid who lived two doors down, or maybe he was the class clown, or maybe he sat behind you on the bus every day — but he was definitely around. And he had an abundant supply of baseball hats worn to one side.
The appeal was inexplicable, yet undeniable.
2. A Game Boy in Your Backpack
Ideally with a Mario or Kirby game cartridge in it to keep you entertained on the bus ride to and from school.
3. Or a Game Gear
To play Sonic the Hedgehog on, of course.
4. A Favorite Ninja Turtle
Donatello all the way.
5. A Favorite Power Ranger
6. A Loyalty to Either the Ninja Turtles or the Power Rangers
It's like the Rolling Stones and the Beatles, or The Who and Led Zeppelin — you can like both, but only one gets your undying loyalty. You likely have some unexpectedly strong feelings about the Ninja Turtles crossover episode of Power Rangers In Space.
7. Too Much Cologne
Drakkar Noir, Polo Sport, Eternity for Men, Curve, Cool Water... take your pick. For the curious, here's how to upgrade your signature '90s scent for the modern age.
8. An Enviable Pokemon Collection
9. A Neopets Account
10. Comically Wide-Legged JNCO Jeans...
Seriously, guys. What is the point of having jeans with legs that wide?
11. ...With a Wallet Chain Hanging Out of the Pocket
A big, chunky one. Bonus points if it came from Hot Topic. Hey, you had to keep your allowance safe somehow.
12. Adidas Everything
Sambas. The sandals with the spiky soles that we later recycled to use as shower shoes in college. Everything.
13. Floppy Hair and DEP hair gel
Never underestimate the power of the center part...
...As long as you could keep it in place.
14. Nickelodeon Magazine and/or Nintendo Power
Obviously magazines are for anyone, but if you were a small boy during the '90s, odds are you had at least one of these suckers stashed away in your backpack.
Because it was "edgy." Or... something.
16. A Secret Identification with Doug Funnie
Because we've all had to wear the lettuce shoes every now and again. (And yes, "lettuce shoes" can be a metaphor for whatever you need it to be.)
17. A Starter Jacket
Also, your chosen team was probably arbitrary.
18. A Baseball Hat Worn to the Side
Or backwards. As long as it wasn't forwards, it was an acceptable sartorial choice.
19. Tony Hawk Merchandise
Even if you didn't actually skate.
20. And Skater Shoes
Again, even if you didn't actually skate — unlike this guy, who is clearly a wizard.
21. Or Reebok Pumps
I have no idea if those little squeezy things actually did anything. All I know is, everyone had to have them.
So much flannel. Flannel shirt... flannel hat... flannel everything.
23. Surge Running Through Your Veins
24. A Yak Bak or a Talkboy…
25. … And the Disappointment That It Didn't Work The Way You Thought It Would
I mean, it was a tape recorder. How magical did we really think it was going to be?
26. A Crush You Denied Having
Correction: A real life crush you denied having. Crushing on Kelly Kapowski was totally acceptable.
27. A Bedroom That Looked Like Arnold's
Or at least, the fond and fervent wish that you had a bedroom that looked like Arnold's.
28. Big Plans for the Future…
...That typically involved becoming a WWF wrestler. Because of course.
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