You know what really needs to find its chill? WINTER. I don't mean the kind of chill of winter that makes you slip on iced over dog urine (thanks, New York!!). I mean the patient kind of chill. Because even though the rest of you innocent jam-filled dolphins are so entranced by the two or three hours of autumn weather we've had so far to remember to keep your guard up on winter's shenanigans, I did not forgive, and I did not forget. Winter is coming, and it is coming in its usual, terrible way: many months too soon, without an RSVP, faster than it takes for you to click your boot heels three times and say "blarf".
If you're reading this right now and have no idea what I'm talking about, then what are you even doing here right now, San Franciscans?! Go outside and do whatever it is people in utopia do with their lives. The rest of us will be here, enduring the insanely quick seasonal changes, praying by the light of our pumpkin spice candles that we can hold winter at bay for another four or five seconds. Here, for all of you fellow humans on the autumn struggle bus, the pitfalls of living in a place where fall lasts a week:
You Have No Idea When To Eat Your Pumpkin Flavored Everything
Can we talk about how existentially confused the Pumpkin Spice Gods are right now? I can't even blame them for releasing all their limited edition stuff in August. Who even knows which one of these weeks is going to be the one that is fall?!
... So You Inevitably Spend Three Months Eating Your Way Through A Pumpkinpocalypse
IF THE PSL SEES ITS SHADOW THAT MEANS THREE MORE WEEKS OF AUTUMN!!
You're Never Sure When It's Socially Appropriate To Start Wearing Your Blarf
I have a theory that every office has a Blarf Alpha. Once that person has debuted their blarf (blanket scarf, for those of you who are still confused), everyone in the office is officially free to do the same, for however long the week of autumn lasts. After that you're just straight up wearing a blanket to work.
You Barely Have Enough Time To Smugly Instagram Your Sweater/Legging/Boots Combo While Casually Hanging Out On Leaf Littered Park Benches
How many selfies will it take to survive the winter?!
There Is Always Someone More Northern Than You Are To Autumn Shame You
WE GET IT, BOSTON. IT IS VERY COLD THERE. FIND A NEW "THING".
You Are Extremely Existentially Confused About When To Celebrate Christmas
Between all the stores decking their commercialized halls in September and the outside plummeting to Hoth-like temperatures in the blink of an eye, it is basically three months of Christmas. R.I.P., Halloween and Thanksgiving. #YouTried.
By The Time The Weather Gets Nice, The Days Are Already Too Short To Enjoy It
Wake up to darkness. Go to work in darkness. Leave the office is DARKNESS. Tell those vampires from Twilight to rethink the Pacific Northwest.
You Keep Wondering If Every Nice Day Is The ~Last Good Day~
One more day, Elsa. Just give us one more day.
