It's finally here, the day I thought would never arrive — the 2015 Emmys. And, considering how long I've been waiting for this moment, I couldn't be more thrilled that Tina Fey is at said Emmys ceremony. You guys can have your Sofia Vergaras and your Jon Hamms and your Taraji P. Hensons all day, and I won't begrudge you your excitement, but Tina Fey is my girl, and it wouldn't be a television award show without her here. Because think about it! We'll have plenty of opportunities to see lots of other celebrities either at other award shows or on the series for which they're nominated, but not Fey! She's one of those rare birds who only comes out when she wants to, and, since she's the creator, writer, and producer for The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt but not a starring actor on it, we haven't really seen her performing with any regularity since 30 Rock, may it rest in peace.
The one thing we have seen Fey do recently is completely ruin us for award shows by co-hosting The Golden Globes with Amy Poehler two years in a row. Whoever thought it would be a good idea to set the banter-standard impossibly high for two years, and then send us plummeting back to a world where there's no guarantee that Fey will even show up at the ceremony, was cruel and unusual in a way I don't think we fully understood at the time. But, now, the crushing reality is here, which is why I'm so relieved that Fey is at the Emmys. I understand that she has a marriage and two kids and a life, none of which probably make her super interested in standing around in high heels and on a burning hot carpet, but I'm gonna need her to put all that aside and focus on what's really important: me.
You're the only thing that gets me through these award shows, Tina Fey, with your digs at Julia Louis-Dreyfus and your irreverent friendship with George Clooney, so please sign this piece of paper swearing that you will never scare me like this at another award ceremony ever ever again. Thank you. And thank you for showing up and being flawless as always.