Can You Come At The Same Time Every Time?

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: what do you do if you want simultaneous orgasms.

Q: I really want my boyfriend and I to be able to orgasm together. Sometimes I come first, sometimes he does, but it’s never at the same time. Both of us are spent after our orgasms, and it feels like a pain in to have to keep going for the second person. It would be so much easier if we could do it at the same time. What can we do to come at the same time?

A: Thanks for your question! There’s no denying that simultaneous orgasms are enjoyable. It’s fun to experience that peak moment of pleasure with your partner, and you can both relax and enjoy the afterglow together. But for heterosexual couples especially, the reality is that men’s and women’s bodies are wired in ways that make simultaneous orgasm tricky. Today I’ll be giving you some tips for managing your orgasmic timing, but I’ll also be attempting to change your mind about the desirability of simultaneous O’s.

1. Reset Your Expectations

Most people think that orgasms should be simultaneous because that’s how we see them portrayed in the movies, on TV shows, and in porn. Both partners always come in the exact same moment. It’s a convenient way to film intercourse, but it’s not how sex tends to work in the real world. In fact, simultaneous orgasm during heterosexual sex is quite rare. This is due to the fact that men take an average of three to five minutes to orgasm, while women require an average of 20. Simultaneous orgasms can be easier for some same-sex couples (some, not all), but orgasm is such a personal process that having two at the same time is a tricky feat.

What you’re asking for is the equivalent of saying, “I want to be able to eat a donut after every meal and lose 10 pounds.” It might work for some genetically-blessed souls out there, but it’s just not realistic for the vast majority of people. If you think that’s how sex is supposed to work, it’s going to make it so much harder to enjoy the things that are working about your sex life, like the fact that you and your partner are both orgasming regularly. It’s tricky for a lot of people to even climax in the first place, so this is a huge win in and of itself!

2. Understand The Trade-Offs

If you’re intent on trying to orgasm at the same time, keep in mind that the quest for simultaneous orgasms can take away a lot of the joy of sex. It makes you focus on timing rather than on pleasure, which is rarely fun. One of you is going to feel pressured to “catch up,” and the other is going to be desperately trying to slow down. Both of you are going to feel frustration when your attempts don’t always work out.

3. Get Familiar With Your Point Of No Return

All that being said, I’m guessing that you still want to have simultaneous O’s. I know that I can’t prevent people from wanting what they want! So let’s go over some strategies for trying to make it happen. The first thing you’ll both want to do is get more familiar with your “point of no return.” This is the moment in your orgasmic journey where orgasm becomes inevitable. Things have passed the point of just feeling good, and an orgasm is going to happen no matter what.

If you want to orgasm at the same time, you have to understand what this “point of no return” feels like for you, so you can pump the brakes if your partner isn’t there yet. You can both try to get more familiar with your points of no return by practicing finding it during masturbation. Get yourself right up to the edge, then back off so you can notice what it feels like.

4. Practice The Stop-Start Method

Once you’ve come to understand your point of no return, you can begin using the stop-start method to time your orgasms. Before having sex, talk about the fact that you want to aim to orgasm at the same time, and agree to give the stop-start method a try. When one of you feels like you’re getting close to your point of no return, give your partner a heads-up.

Simple statements are best, so your partner doesn’t feel pressured. Say something straightforward like, “I’m getting close.” If the other person is close too, you can both go for it. If they’re not, they’ll have to say something like, “I want to enjoy this for a little longer.” Take a quick break to allow the first partner to cool off, either by slowing down or stopping what you’re doing entirely. You can also spend a few moments stimulating the second partner, so they get closer to orgasm too.

6. Focus On Your Partner’s Orgasm

Watching your partner get turned on can be incredibly sexy. For some people, it can be such a turn-on that it pushes them closer to their own orgasm. Try paying more attention to what your partner looks like when they're nearing orgasm (and ask them to tune into yours). They might start thrusting more intensely, breathing heavier, or moaning into your ear. See if you can tap into their arousal and allow it to nudge you over the edge.

7. ... Or Focus On Yours

On the other hand, you may find that paying attention to their orgasm is too distracting to yours. If that’s the case, try to keep your focus on your own climax. Hone in on what the sensations feel like in your body, and pay particular attention to your clitoris. Try focusing on your breathing, rocking your hips, moaning deeply, or telling yourself, “I’m going to come too.”

8. Be Generous With Each Other

At the end of the day, you’re not going to be able to orgasm at the same time every time. In the instances that it doesn’t happen, I think it’s worth trying to shift your attitudes about making each other come. You said it feels “like a pain” to have to get the second person off. Of course it’s natural to get exhausted after your orgasm. There is a flood of hormones rushing into your body, designed to help you relax and rest.

Take a quick break to catch your breath, but then try to get excited about pleasuring your partner. Don’t make your partner feel guilty for not orgasming yet (plus, that will probably make them take even longer to eventually come). Again, celebrate the fact that you’re both able to have consistent orgasms, even if they’re not in the exact same moment!

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