How Long Should It Take a Woman To Come? How To Stop Worrying, and Start Orgasming

We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to tips@bustle.com. Now, onto this week’s topic: The best ways to ensure you have an orgasm during sex.

Q: I have never been able to orgasm during sex. Intercourse feels amazing; I particularly like vigorous, deep thrusting. But even when it’s as rough as I like it, I never climax. I’m fine not orgasming every time, but it would be nice to have it happen once in a while! I always worry I'm taking too long so I just let him finish. How do I start coming in time?

A: Orgasming during sex is a tricky feat for most women, so I’m devoting two separate articles to this important question. Last week, I shared the five best sex positions for female orgasm, and today I’m sharing even more orgasm-friendly techniques. So without further ado, here's how to to ensure you have the best chance possible of inviting the big-o to town —without worrying about being fashionably late. 

Invite Your Clit To The Party

One of the biggest myths about female orgasm is that women can climax from penetration alone. In fact, only 20-25 percent of women can. That number may be even lower, as indirect clitoral stimulation frequently occurs during intercourse.

If you’re one of the lucky few, the best positions for orgasm are ones that allow for deep, powerful thrusting. Try standing while you drape yourself over the edge of the bed or a desk. Or you can try positions where your G-spot gets stimulated, like doggystyle.

But if you’re like the other 75-80 percent of women, you’re going to need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. This isn’t a bad thing though! The combination of sensations — the fullness of penetration with the intensity of clitoral stimulation — can be amazing. And fortunately, there are plenty of ways to give your clitoris some love during sex:

  • Get in positions where your clitoris is easily accessible. Last week I shared that girl on top, doggystyle, and bridge all work well.

  • Have your partner stroke your clitoris with his fingers during sex. In certain positions, like girl on top, you can can have him place his fingertips against your clitoris, to give you a surface to grind up against.

  • Touch your clitoris yourself. Most guys love watching women touch themselves, so this will be enjoyable for you both! If you’re shy about touching yourself in front of him, try it out in positions where you're facing away from him, like doggystyle or side-by-side.

  • Use a vibrator or a vibrating cock ring to get clitoral stimulation. If there’s some distance between your torsos, you can easily hold a vibrator against your clitoris. Or you can hold a vibrator between your bodies. There are also couples toys that provide vibration for both parties.

  • Find positions that create friction against your clitoris. If you put a pillow under your hips while in missionary position, your body will create a nice angle against his pubic area.  

Get The Timing In Your Favor

It’s another unfortunate fact of life that the average man require far less time to reach orgasm than the average woman. Most men can orgasm in under five minutes, while women typically require 20 minutes.

To combat this timing discrepancy, make sure to spend plenty of time focusing on you during foreplay. Try not to start having sex until you feel like you’re already on the verge of climax, or at least well on your way.

Once you’ve started having sex, you can try positions that aren’t as stimulating for him as they are for you. I know you like intense thrusting, but that type of movement generally leads to pretty quick orgasms for him. If you focus more on grinding rather than thrusting, you can usually slow a guy down. Girl on top and the sideways straddle both work well for this purpose.

Or you can try taking breaks from penetrative intercourse to give your clitoris some time to catch up. Have him pull out and spend a few minutes stroking or licking your clitoris, or use a vibrator for extra stimulation. Having “time outs” from sex can be a wonderful tease for both of you. 

And remember: you're not "taking too long" — your body is different than his, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Use Lube. Really!

I can’t overstate the importance of lube. Most people’s experience of lube is limited to an old, sticky bottle of KY Jelly, but there are hundreds of high-quality lubes now on the market. Even if you feel adequately wet during sex, you should still try using lube. A good lubricant will feel wonderfully silky against your skin, and will create nice gliding sensations during sex. It quite simply makes sex more enjoyable.

If you put a little lube directly onto your clitoris, it can make clitoral stimulation feel even more intense. Fingers and skin will slide over your clitoris instead of tugging at it, making you far more likely to orgasm. Many of the previously doubtful participants of my online orgasm course have become lube evangelists after discovering just how effective it can be.

Explore Without Pressure

Learning what your body needs to reach orgasm during sex requires exploration and experimentation. Many of my clients tell me that they’re embarrassed to try out new positions and techniques during sex because it feels too awkward. It’s hard to experiment in the moment if you’re afraid of looking stupid or killing the mood.

What I suggest is to have a few sex sessions explicitly for the purposes of exploring some of these tricks and positions. Tell yourselves that it’s OK to take a few risks, and that you won’t tease each other if things go awry. Even be a little silly and playful about it! If you set it up beforehand as one big experimental session, you won’t feel as uncomfortable trying out new things and talking to each other about what does and doesn’t work.

Try Not To Think About It Too Much

A lot of women get stuck up in their heads wondering if they’re getting close to reaching orgasm, or worrying that their partner is going to climax before they do. Too much thinking only serves to delay the process and make your orgasm even harder to come by.

If you find yourself getting distracted by your thoughts, take a deep breath and redirect your attention to the pleasure your body is feeling. I know this can seem easier said than done, but really try to get in touch with all of the nuance of sensation. By focusing on pleasure rather than anxious thoughts, you’re much more likely to topple over the edge. If you're feeling anxious, try expressing it to your partner and give him a chance to reassure you that he's enjoying himself just fine. 

And, again, remember: You're not "taking too long." You deserve to have an orgasm, just like him. Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself, and trust me — he'll appreciate the effort. If you want to learn even more about how to orgasm, check out Finishing School, my online orgasm class for women

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