We Air Our Grievances for Festivus 2013 to Kim Kardashian, Netflix, & More
As George Costanza's father explained in that episode of Seinfeld long ago, Festivus is the holiday for the rest of us. So, while you are getting out your Festivus pole and preparing for the feats of strength, don't forget to prepare your gripes for "the airing of grievances." This tradition involves sitting down to a traditional Festivus dinner and telling everyone you know and love (and some people that you neither know nor love) everything you hate about them.
So, in keeping with the Festivus spirit, we have prepared a few grievances that are ready for some air at Festivus 2013. Get ready celebrities, because we're coming for you.
Could you have toned it down a bit? We all knew that when you started dating, something crazy and awful would happen. Some speculated that there wasn't room in Kanye's house for both your egos, and a ridiculously-named baby. Seriously, North West? I doubt you even like the Pacific Northwest, since you have to wear clothes when you post twitpics.
Also, we didn't like the "Bound 2" video, so stop patting yourselves on the back. We thought it was a music video trainwreck that mirrored the "I can't watch, but I can't look away" quality of your relationship. Hopefully we'll be over you soon.
For The Biebs:
We don't want to hear your name with the words "sparks outrage," "shocks fans," "avoids charges" or "is banned from." Maybe this year you could become infamous for holding cuddly puppies instead of playing the guitar naked for your grandma and avoiding valid criminal charges. Also, we all said no to drugs when Snoop gave up weed the first time, you should get on our level. Then you could make a killer "anti-drug" commercial, and reclaim some of your original annoying wholesomeness.
For Kerry Washington, Tom Hiddleston, Benedict Cumberbatch, and J Law:
We're skipping you, since, apparently, you're all perfect.
For All Awards Shows:
Could we try just a little bit harder in 2014 to not be terrible? Just once, I would like to talk about y'all because something wonderful happened. Something like "Did you see Robin Thicke sing the gender-swapped version of 'Blurred Lines'? It was way less creepy" or "Wow, nobody commented on a post-baby body on the red carpet this year!" I'm setting the bar pretty low, because I know you all too well.
You know what you did. The entire Internet knows it, too. And the Internet is forever. Remember that next time you feel like acting out.
Could you just release the second seasons of House of Cards and Orange Is the New Black already? We're starting to go into withdrawals.
Now, on to the feats of strength. Happy Festivus to the rest of us!