9 Signs You Are Actually A Cat, No Purrs, Growls, Or Meows About It
You've probably heard of "spirit animals," (the traditionally pagan idea of each person having an animal or totem designed to represent the skills and traits they are meant to learn in life), but what you probably have never heard of is having an "animal spirit," wherein your personality almost eerily mirrors that of an entire species. Mainly, there are people with dog personalities: over-eager, all-or-nothing, ride-or-die, painfully optimistic; and then there are people with cat personalities: exclusive about their affection, judge-y, sleepy, desirous of control of the world at large, and so on. Forget introverts and extroverts, and all of the other, lesser psychological personality theories, for this is the true dichotomy you must find your place within.
It's kind of a trend to be obsessed with cats (and pizza, but like, that's more just acknowledging a universal truth of the human condition). We love them because they behave the way we think. They don't care if you don't like them, they hide behind curtains when someone new comes to the door, they like snacks and back rubs and exactly one person and... you get the picture. But it may have taken you up until now to truly begin to question whether or not you have the personality of a feline. It's no small act of self-awareness to realize that you're a person with the personality of your pet, but may it be another piece of harrowing proof that your cat may have more of a soul than you once assumed. (Lol, nah.)
Your Instinct Is Always "Retreat"
You see someone you used to know in the store, and without even really thinking, you swerve your cart around so fast and just walk. You take hours, if not days, to respond to messages, and were always the kid at family parties who just... went upstairs.
You Are Disinterested In Others Unless It's Clear They Can Do Something For You
Unless they have food, non-invasive or annoying cuddles, love, or other treats you cannot possibly attain on your own, they are virtually of no use to you, and thus should be avoided at all times.
You Silently Judge Everyone And Everything
You can't help it. Your homeostasis is judgment, and unfortunately, your RBF issue doesn't help your cause of looking like a decent person who... doesn't do that.
You Stare Out Windows And Wonder When Your Life Can Begin
You gaze longingly at the outside world, wondering what could possibly be in store for you, once you can escape this man-made prison and finally destroy your captors once and for all.
You're Always Thinking Up Subtle Acts Of Revenge
How you're going to tell your boss off and how you're going to insinuate to your former friend how hard they suck and how epic it's going to be at your high school reunion when everyone finds out you married a drummer of a mildly-well-known band. Are these dreams? Sure. But you're not one to let impossibility dictate what you'll hope for.
... And If Not Subtle Acts Of Revenge, Then World Domination
You think about what it would be like to run for president, or be a Kardashian, or marry into foreign royalty though you just barely speak their language. It's these shards of hope that keep you going, as you know your word is true, powerful, and pure. If only you'd be given the chance.
You Nap Incessantly, Yet Never Actually Sleep At Night
You're tired literally all the time except when it's time to actually sleep.
Small Things Distract You
If not a fly, or a bottle cap, then certainly that dumb GIF of Rhianna making the magic hands or another video or scrolling through the Facebook feed you just read one more time. It doesn't take much to throw you off kilter. (Perhaps that is why you never reach your goals for dictatorship??)
You Love One, Maybe Two, People In This Whole World
And you love them hard. You are obsessed with them. You want to sleep on top of them every night and follow them around every day and run to the door when they get home and basically build your entire life around them. Everyone else can suck it.