Men say some stuff that... doesn't exactly make sense, let's say. And that's being kind. That doesn't mean that women can't be just as baffling at times, but often, men just simply don't have a way with words, especially when it comes to online dating. Gross or creepy messages are just the tip of the iceberg: There are tons of examples of confusing things guys say online, and there's a seemingly never-ending list of all-too-common phrases that guys use on their profiles that they (mistakenly) think are "original."
In her new book Popular , 25-year-old Lauren Urasek — named "OkCupid's most popular woman in NYC" in 2014 — explores the many eccentricities of online dating, not least of which is the bizarre "Dudespeak" (as she dubs it) that plagues men's profiles and messages. If you don't use dating apps, you'd be surprised by how many things that guys think are "unique" and "hilarious" actually appear on every last profile. These seemingly innocent descriptors, to the untrained eye, could be interpreted as totally normal, but seasoned online dating vets (like Urasek and yours truly) know better.
Here are eight phrases you might find in a guy's dating profile, translated from "Dudespeak" into normal English for your convenience.
1. "I am living my life to the fullest!"
Translation: I am the epitome of a "basic bro." I have no idea what to say to make myself seem interesting, but this seems like an attractive quality. Or, as Urasek accurately puts it: "I'm an overgrown man-child who drinks until 6:00 AM and then passes out surrounded by my four roommates."
2. "I like a woman who takes care of herself."
Translation: You should be skinny, and go to the gym at least as often as me, which is five days a week. Did I mention I lift? Or Urasek's slightly more blunt take: "No fatties, please, and if you have cellulite on your ass, it's a definite NO."
3. "I spend a lot of time thinking about...the universe."
Translation: I smoke a ton of weed. Also, my brain is completely filled with air. There's absolutely nothing going on up there, but I am trying to sound really deep and intellectual.
4. "I want a girl who's super down-to-earth."
Translation: I also think girls shouldn't wear too much makeup because the "natural" look is so much sexier than that Kylie Jenner sh*t. I want to date someone who is "chill" and won't get worked up over the little things, like me grabbing another girl's ass in front of her.
5. "There is no 'typical' Friday night, lol!"
Translation: I do not realize that every other man on OkCupid says this in the "On a typical Friday night I am..." section. I assume this will make girls think that my life is unpredictable and exciting, when in reality I spend every Friday at the dive bar on the corner making uncomfortably prolonged eye contact with unsuspecting women.
6. "I'm attracted to girls who are snarky."
Translation: I confuse confidence with "snarkiness" because I don't understand women who have strong opinions. I think the idea of a woman who is sarcastic and "sassy" is funny, but don't go overboard, or you'll make me insecure and I'll call you a bitch.
7. "I just want to see what's out there!"
Translation: I just went through a bad breakup and am in no way ready to commit to anyone I meet on this site. Stay far away from me if you want your emotions un-trifled with.
8. "I'm really good at everything, I'm a jack of all trades."
Translation: My ego is comically over-sized. I also tell people I have a massive penis. (It's not.)
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