Have you ever wondered how many times you should be orgasming during sex? Like, is one enough or should you be trying to have multiple orgasms? Or maybe you’re not coming during sex at all — WTF does that mean?? Ugh, there are definitely a million questions around the “right” number of times we “should” be orgasming. I know that I’ve even asked myself if my usual one-and-done is actually enough or if I should be trying for more. But you know what? It’s time to take the “should” out of our orgasms. Instead, let’s focus on the feeling behind the orgasms: pleasure.
Even in the most sex-positive circles, I think pleasure still gets left out of the conversation sometimes. We get so caught up in the mechanics of sex — how to do this move or that move or have more orgasms or pick the right toy or whatever — when really what we’re talking about is how to feel good. And yes, an orgasm is a really awesome way to feel good. And yes, the sex-positive movement has fought really hard (and continues to fight) for the female orgasm in particular. But assigning a number of orgasms to sex feels like boiling sex down to a series of tally marks or a contest.
So instead of asking yourself, “Am I coming enough?” go with one of these five pleasure-focused questions instead.
1. Is Your Partner Committed To Your Pleasure?
One of the fights that feminism has taken on with a gusto is the fight for the female orgasm. No more will we tolerate partners who have their fun and then roll over and fall asleep, leaving us a quivering mess of arousal! However, even if you don’t have an orgasm (‘cause, let’s be real, sometimes it just isn’t gonna happen), your partner should be committed to the cause. That means they put in a good faith effort to get you off.
2. Do You Feel Good Afterward?
Whether you come zero times or five, how do you feel afterward? If you’re perfectly happy not having an orgasm or you’re a one-and-done person like me, as long as you feel good after it’s done, who’s to say you haven’t come “enough?”
3. Or Do You Feel More Like You’re Missing Something?
On the other hand, if after every time you have sex you feel like something is missing, then it’s time to have a real talk convo with your partner. If you’re not orgasming because something about the sex you’re having isn’t working for you, your partner should be committed to working it out with you.
4. Are You Owning Your Orgasm?
I’m a huge advocate of people — especially female-bodied people — owning their own orgasm. When you consider the fact that the majority of women can’t come from penetration alone, you start realizing how important it is to take care of your own business! If you need to masturbate while having sex or you know certain fantasies will get you there or there’s only one position that works, do you, boo! No shame. Own your pleasure.
5. How Was All The Other Stuff?
And of course, because we’re focusing on pleasure and not just orgasming, I want you to consider how everything else was, too. Was there some seriously sexy rolling around? Did you make out like a fiend? Were you really digging that oral sex? Just because sex doesn’t end in an orgasm doesn’t mean it was “bad” or not worth having.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions to make him last longer:
Images: Andrew Zaeh/Bustle; Giphy (5)