9 2015 Things That Could Not Possibly Happen In The 1990s
Do you see it? That thing way out there in the distance? If you squint your eyes and tilt your head ever so slightly, you might just be able to make out the glimmering, shimmering, hologram-like line that’s resting on the horizon. That, darling reader, is 2016. Yes, the New Year is almost here and it is just about ready to envelop us in its futuristic arms. But before we start replacing our yoga cat calendars and side-eyeing all of the over-the-top New Year's resolution Facebook statuses that will inevitably flood our News Feeds, let us give 2015 its due. Say what you will about the past year, but there is no denying that it really was a one-of-a-kind. And to illustrate just what a unique, Netflix and chill-loving snowflake of a year 2k15 was, I went ahead and selected a handful of noteworthy 2k15 pop culture moments. Moments that, for one thing, definitely could not have happened during that decade we Millennials love to revisit oh-so much: the 1990s.
Here are some very important things that took place over the course of the last year that could not possibly happen in the ‘90s:
2015 American Music Awards host Jennifer Lopez kicked the night off with a life-changing dance routine set to a Top 40 megamix. This exact performance could not happen in the 1990s. Why? Because those songs didn’t exist in the '90s.
(And yes, it's going to be *that* kind of list.)
In February of 2015, Aubrey Drake Graham gifted the Internet with 17-track mixtape If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late. A popular artist releasing an entire album digitally was not something that happened in the 1990s; if IYRTITL dropped online 20 years ago, it would've legitimately broken the pupa that was '90s Internet.
Kylie Jenner’s Lip Kit Sells Out In One Minute
Kylie Jenner was born on Aug. 10, 1997. So in the '90s, Kylie Jenner either a) wasn't born yet or b) was a toddler. I can't imagine a toddler being like “Hey, buy my lip kit" and said lip kit flying off the shelves like Beanie Baby-adorned hotcakes.
In November of 2015, Adele's 25 broke *NSYNC's first-week sales record without batting a perfectly-lined eyelid. But here’s the thing: If Adele time-traveled back to the ‘90s and released 25, she would not break *NSYNC’s record. Why? Because *NSYNC's record didn't exist until the New Millennium. Previous first-week sales champion No Strings Attached didn’t drop until 2000. (Don’t get it twisted: Queen Adele would totally break whatever first-week sales record was around before No Strings Attached came along.)
Miley Cyrus Hosts The MTV Video Music Awards
"I have a kooky idea for the 1995 VMAs! Let's ask the two-year-old daughter of country music star Billy Ray Cyrus to host the whole show! It'll be too legit to quit, my gnarly dudes and dudettes!"
A solo rat carrying one slice of pizza down a flight of subway stairs? That would never happen in the ‘90s. But do you know what would happen in the ‘90s? Four turtles and their rat mentor lugging multiple pizza boxes down to their sewer lair, DUH.
Yes, webcams existed in the ‘90s, but my gut tells me that our dial-up Internet connections would crumble while attempting to stream the #ALLMYMOVIES live feed.
Watch Beyoncé’s Made In America Festival Set On Our Laptops
Again, not too confident that the ‘90s Internet could handle Tidal’s Made in America Festival livestream. You know what this means, right? THOSE OF US NOT IN ATTENDANCE WOULD NOT GET TO WATCH MISS QUEEN BEY'S LEGENDARY PERFORMANCE. The horror.
A Bakery Security Camera Catches Ariana Grande Licking A Donut
I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that Ariana Grande, who was born in 1993, was not as tall as a bakery counter back in the ‘90s. I'm going to keep climbing on that limb and assume '90s Ariana Grande wouldn’t be able to reach that tray of donuts resting on that bakery counter. Someone would have to hand her the donut. And that just wouldn’t be the same, ya know?
Before I go, one final thing:
Oh, just a rad jam to play at your NYE bash. The familiar, grating sound of a computer struggling to connect to the World Wide Web will really get the party people going.