Ron Swanson, Leslie Knope, and anyone who matters can agree on this fundamental truth: the world as we know it today is built on a solid foundation of breakfast food and sex. And that, my friends, is exactly why this bacon-scented underwear is a violation of nature that threatens the very ground we stand on. LISTEN. I respect that when you mutually adore two things, it is your impulse to combine them. It's why we dip our fruit in chocolate; it's why we keep mashing up movie scenes with Adele songs; it's why I occasionally get wine drunk in the bath tub. I respect the hustle. And as a hustle respecter, I am trying to understand this.
Alas, nothing I do or say can explain the anomaly of this underwear. I'm gonna call it, guys — we might have flown too close to the sun on this one. Our wings are melting in a bacon-scented heap. Just imagine this scenario: here you are, about to do the frisky with that hottie from the gym, when you pull of your pants and the two of you both smell ... bacon. The one smell that has more power over us as a species than any other in the world (sorry, pheromones). So what happens next? Obviously, you drop whatever sexytimes you were about to have, forget about each other in a hot half second, and do whatever is humanly possible to get your hands on bacon right that instant.
Do you see what is happening here?! WE ALL LOVE BACON SO MUCH THAT NOBODY WILL EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN.
The makers of this bacon underwear, J&D's Bacon Salt, seem more than aware of the bacon-blocking crisis they have unleashed, sharing that 45 percent of Canadians prefer bacon to sex. I have two concerns:
- Why are 55 percent of Canadians so confused about their lives?
- If we all start eating bacon during or directly after sex because of this underwear, will we ever be able to enjoy sex without bacon again?!
The makers of the underwear also warn that "J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear is not recommended for people in the following professions: mail carriers, zookeepers, veterinarians, dog catchers and walkers, and circus performers (especially lion tamers)." So I guess those selected few will still be enjoying the life of nostrils that aren't fraught with sexual confusion on the reg. As for the rest of us ... perhaps it's time to lean into this. Accept our fate as baconsexuals. If we're being honest with ourselves, this was our true destiny all along.
Buy your own pair here, but remember — with great bacon scented junk comes great responsibility.
Images: J&D's Bacon Salts; Giphy