We're deep into Christmas now, people, and nothing screams crack open the eggnog like seeing some of our favourite shows celebrating Christmas along with us. And this might be one of the best festive treats that TV will deliver to us this festive season (thanks Santa!); OITNB have remade the poem A Night Before Christmas, with a twist: titled, Twas A Night In Litchfield, and it's amazing.
Now, I know that when we're looking for a festive Netflix show or film to get us into the Christmas spirit, most of us probably aren't heading straight for OITNB, and that's fair enough; none of us want to be roaming the halls of Litchfield Penitentary when we could be watching Home Alone 2: Lost In New York for the hundredth time! But in retrospect, the ladies of Litchfield actually embody a lot of the core Christmas spirit that makes so the holiday so special. For instance, they show a lot of love for their chosen friendship groups, they're blessed with the greatness of a passionate chef who knows the value of good food, and (when they're allowed) they know how to throw a great party. The video, along with showcasing the grand festive spirit alive and well with the inmates of OITNB, is also stacked with some awesome show references which only a true fan will understand.
So, wrestle your Christmas hooch of choice off the drunken squirrel who's robbed it from your top secret hiding spot, and let's relive some of OITNB's best moments via their Night Before Christmas poetics.
1. The Mysterious, Magical Chicken Of Litchfield
Making its first appearance in Season 1, Piper was driven almost insane upon discovering a chicken inexplicably milling about casually within the prison grounds. Turns out Red was well aware of it and wanted to eat it so she could absorb its powers. The elusive chicken also made a wonderful cameo appearance at the end of Season 3, just as the prisoners were running free.
2. The Hidden Stashes Of Illegal Contraband
Contraband has been a big deal in Litchfield since the first season, but Season 3 saw it take on a new use: as collateral for a desperate Piper, who hunted every possible hiding space for it, so she could use it against a potential traitor.
3. Some Prisoners Get Sexy, Deal With It
Especially, Dayanara Diaz who unwisely followed her heart to hook up with a prison guard, get pregnant, have another prison guard arrested for the indiscretion, and then lose her lover after her family scared him away.
4. Morello Is A Bonfide Prison Beauty Queen
A running joke on OITNB is that Morello takes her beauty regime very seriously and doesn't let a little thing like prison get in the way of that (including having a column in the prison newsletter about DIY ways to create makeup and stay on fleek).
5. Red's Namesake
I don't think I need to explain this one *wink wink*.
6. Pennsatucky Is Super Religious
She might have been a little less extreme with her religious beliefs in Season 3, but Pennsatucky was still very much a child of God (albeit one with a little more love and understanding for humanity).
7. Poussey Loves Her Hooch
Poor Poussey; in Season 2 she dealt with the dangerous influence of Vee (as well as a brutal assault at the hands of her friendship group) by drinking her way through it via her very own homemade hooch. In Season 3, she drank her loneliness down instead (and lost an entire bottle of it to a very drunken squirrel).
8. Sophia Gets Unfairly Put In SHU For Her "Own Protection"
Season 3 was a rough one for Sophia, who encountered transphobic attacks at the hands of her inmates which the guards were too ill equipped to deal with. The answer? Throwing her in solitary confinement (aka, "the Shu") for her own "protection." Dammit Litchfield!
9. The Horrific Book Burning Of Season 3
Book lover and library worker Taystee was devastated when an epidemic of bed bugs meant that every single volume in the library (except for one memorable holy book) had to be burnt. Even Harry Potter, people. Sacrilege.
10. Boo Is An Endless Horndog
Including taking on a sex competition against Nicky and an uncomfortable encounter involving some peanut butter and the prison dog (oh, the horror!), Boo has an endless capacity for sexual encounters. You might also remember that particular screwdriver referenced above as being one that Piper accidentally steals and has to hide in Season 1. Boo found great creative use for it, of course.
11. Caputo Ruins Everyone's Fun
In Season 3, Caputo was a dichotomy of failed power. On the one hand, he was trying to be supportive to his team and create a union which would save their jobs. On the other, he was desperate for some kind of recognition for his lifetime of hard work at the prison and couldn't say no to a powerful promotion (at the detriment of his poor team). As a result, Litchfield became rules central. It's the only time you could hear Shots for everyone and not become super jazzed about chugging some Jargermeister and dancing on tables for the rest of your evening. Oh, Caputo...
It might feel like an eternity until Season 4 of OITNB returns to Netflix (hurry up and deliver 2016!), but at least you're up to date on the recap and have this delightful video to enjoy until then. Check it out below!
Images: NetflixUs&Canada/Youtube (11); Netflix