I've heard that New Year's Eve can be a glamorous night where people decked out in head-to-toe sequins gather together at dazzling parties, clink champagne glasses, count down 'til midnight, cheer as the ball drops, kiss their loved ones, watch fireworks light up the sky, and spend the early hours of the new year brimming with positivity and optimism as they promise to become their best selves. I couldn't tell you if this is true, because I've never actually witnessed these types of celebrations go down myself. Instead, I tend to take a lazy girl's approach to New Year's Eve. Yes, I could put on my prettiest party dress and dance the night away with people I only kind of care about while taking occasional breaks to nibble on mini brie tarts and sip prosecco, or I could hang out in pajamas on my couch with a bottle of wine I don't have to share, and keep myself company with old episodes of Sex and the City until I fall asleep at 10 p.m. It'll still be 2016 when I wake up, and unlike you other revelers who dared to go out, I never had to put on a bra.
Whether you decide to spend New Year's Eve the normal person way or the lazy girl way is, of course, entirely up to you. But for those of you souls who, like me, tend to pass out hours before the ball even comes close to dropping, I've devised eight charts and graphs that perfectly sum up what New Year's Eve is all about. May you too spend the majority of the new year blissfully parked on your couch — cheers!
Thanks for inviting me to your super swanky New Year's Eve party along with 50 of your other closest friends, but uh, I have other plans.
My favorite part of New Year's Eve is actively not celebrating New Year's Eve.
Remember when you were 15 and staying up until midnight on New Year's Eve was the best thing ever? And now you're 25 and staying up until midnight is the worst thing ever? If you need me, I'll be passed out on the couch.
There is literally zero chance I will be awake to see the ball drop.
I had my whole outfit planned out down to the very last sequin, but then sweatpants happened.
What can I say? Sleep is my one true love.
This is, in fact, why I don't make resolutions to begin with.
Free guac first, and everything else will fall in place.
Happy New Year, y'all! Don't party too hard — or at all, for that matter.
Looking for more holiday cheer? Check out Bustle on YouTube.
Images: Cora Foxx/Bustle; Graphs: Mary Rabun/Bustle