Why Twitter's 10,000 Character Limit Would Destroy Us All

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They told us that the end of the world would come in 2012, but they were wrong, my friends. The end of the world is in 2016, when Twitter announced that they might soon institute a 10,000 character limit on tweets and thereby destroy the very foundation upon which our modern Internet was built. To put it into perspective for you, right now the limit on your tweets is 140 characters. Remember all the times you were so satisfied when you hit that sweet spot where you had exactly 0 characters left, and nothing else to say? Now imagine that tweet is 71 times longer than the originally tweet you wrote. I've handed in college papers shorter than the new tweet limit, y'all. (Sorry not sorry, astronomy professors of yore.)

Another way of putting it into context? Look at that first paragraph that I typed. That big hunka text up there is 700 characters, and that's not even 1/10th of what these new tweets will allow. You see now how this will tear apart the fragile order of our universe?! We are not evolved enough yet as a species to trust ourselves with the responsibility of a 10,000 word character limit, and I include myself in that group in full awareness that I write for a living. I hope that Twitter reconsiders this shift for their sake, and the sake of humanity, for all of these reasons:

Having A 140 Character Limit Is The Only Thing That Makes Your Twitter The Shiny Special Unicorn That It Is

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The thrill of the 140 character hustle is the drug that keeps me from dying. I say this as a person who runs a personal account and upwards of four parody accounts (don't look at me), but the whole point of Twitter is your ability to keep your words succinct. To get across an important point, or an exact feeling, or a punchline so cleverly that you don't need more than 140 words to say it because you're just that good. It's the Internet equivalent of whipping your d*ck out during trending hashtags on live coverage events. When you strip us of a character limit, you are also stripping people of years of well-learned tweet-framing. You're threatening my BRAND. In the words of Buzz Lightyear, "ALL MY YEARS OF ACADEMY TRAINING, WASTED!"

We Already Have Social Media Platforms For This Type Of Content

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These days you can post your college thesis on Facebook, most of your life story on Instagram, and an infinite abyss on Tumblr. If we want to talk a lot, we already have mediums to do that — we don't need another one. YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US.

We Are Simply Too Lazy And Lack The Attention To Care About Each Other's Long Tweets

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I barely look at my friends' long FB statuses unless they are attached to a picture of a wedding ring or a shrively-looking new baby. I love my friends, and will talk to them for hours in person, but when I'm scrolling down social media platforms on the subway or while I pee or while some guy is coming at me from the other side of the crosswalk really annoyed that I'm in his way, I don't have the kind of time to be reading their essays. I do, however, have just enough time to read 140 characters while also avoiding getting hit by a bus. Ya feel me?

We Are Not Responsible Enough As A Society To Wield This Kind Of Power

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There's a reason the word "subtweet" came into existence. It's because Twitter gives you just enough characters to kiiiind of call someone out, but because there are only 140, you can narrowly avoid entirely calling them out. Now imagine a world where we don't have those kind of barriers. Zayn would still be in a public pissing match with One Direction. Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift would have burned Twitter down. There would be no end to the madness, because there would be no limit to what people could and couldn't say to each other. That 140-character limit is there to shame us into remembering our humanity. And now? If Twitter commits to this, it's going to become the Wild, Wild West.

Godspeed, fellow humans of Twitter. See you on the other side.

Images: Giphy; Unsplash