There's a reason why all the Minnesotans I know look smug when talking about how they don't put coats on until it hits 20 degrees: Winter is a war. And the first casualty in battle? Your clothes. From November until April, you will likely be plagued with winter wardrobe problems, and it's all probably going to make you want to shake your fists at old Jack Frost or the polar vortex or whoever else deserves your wrath. No matter how much you plan, no matter how many battle maps you draft, or how many strategic counter-strikes you develop, you can never win once the salt hits the ground.
From ruined Italian leather boots to straggly wool scarves, the weather really knows how to take a good one-two punch towards your wardrobe, ensuring that everything you once loved is destroyed by the time spring fashions are making their way into department store windows. It runs your favorite sweaters into the ground, makes sure the end of your pants are permanently salt stained, and doesn't care that your hat now looks like it's seen 35 years and not 35 days. See? It's a war. Below are nine times your winter wardrobe will take a beating this season.
1. Your New Shoes Will Last Exactly 4.5 Minutes In February
I don't care if you salt-protected, weather-proofed, or figured out how to work black magic — those pretty new boots you bought are not going to last longer than five minutes out in the tundra that's pretending to be your current city. It's end times out there, so you'll probably come back home with old leather monstrosities that look like they've seen things.
2. One Of Your Gloves Will Be Perpetually Lost
Watching the snow melt come April is a little heartbreaking. There, in the gutters and in the dwindling down gray-black piles of stubborn snow will be little graves of missing left-hand gloves. Just scattered and forgotten, pushed against the curbs and wondering why they have been forsaken.
And you know exactly why: Each one of us is likely to end up angrily stomping into Walgreens at least once this winter to buy a replacement when its pair has been forgotten on a train, in a cab, at a bar, etc. Mark my words. We still have a couple of months.
3. A Coat Sleeve Is Going To Get Weird Soot All Over It Somehow
You will probably be waiting for the bus to round the corner, when from the corner of your eye you'll see this smear of black soot going across the back of your sleeve like you just finished a shift of chimney sweeping. You're also probably going to stare at it for a full minute, letting yourself marinate in your annoyance, perplexed over when, exactly, Oliver Twist touched you, before filing it away, letting it go, and moving on. Just another winter battle scar.
4. The Ends Of Your Jeans Are Going To Get Gross
If you're anything like me, you're going to get flashbacks to your teenage years when your flared jeans would ride too low to the ground and they'd get all scraggly and gray after a couple of weeks of your shuffling around in them. That's what's going to happen to your jeans now, mainly because the snow will be up to your ankles and you have no way of avoiding slush touching you. Defeat.
5. Your Scarf Is Going To Get Stuck In Your Coat Zipper
And it's likely going to start to slightly fray, no matter how much you'll mourn over the fact. But like a 4-year-old, you just can't manage to zip up your jacket, while battling back your massive blanket scarf, while holding your latte without the help of another individual. (That's where mom would come in handy.)
6. The Pom Pom On Your Beanie Is Going To Start Looking A Little Rough
From all the times you pull it off and stick it in your bag, to you putting it back on and then shoving it back off. Instead of being a perky little ball, it's probably going to look like it's slowly starting to unravel. Kind of like your mind from being stuck in the fifth month of winter.
7. Your Favorite Leggings Are Going To Get A Hole On The Left Butt Cheek
Because you're going to wear them everywhere. Underneath your jeans, your tights — hell — underneath another pair of leggings. They'll literally become your go-to man, your confidant, your right hand pal. And you will wear them proudly in front of company, regardless of the ladder running down its strategic position.
8. Your Scarf Is Going To Get Morning Breath All Over It
From you heavily breathing onto it as its wrapped all over your face ninja-warrior-like in an attempt to keep back the elements, of course. A mortal has to try something.
9. Your Favorite Shirts Are Going To Get Permanent Pit Stains
No matter how freezing it is outside, you are probably always — always! — going to sweat like you're in the middle of a Zumba class underneath your coat. Your face is likely going to be numb and your hands will feel like they've been left behind about a good three blocks back, but you'll feel the telltale sign of beads of sweat running down your back and you'll know. You'll know once you take off this coat, you'll have pit stains the size of dinner plates and it won't be pretty.
If you're one of the many who's been experiencing these retaliations by Old Man Winter, just remember: Spring is around the corner! Sort of.
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