I’ll be honest, Internet friends, I tend to have a particular distaste for late-in-life sequels, and, um sequels in general, but there’s a lot of uncharacteristic excitement in my heart regarding Zoolander 2 coming to theaters. In fairness, the marketing team has been on point ever since Derek and Hansel showed up at the Valentino fashion show last March. But beyond that, I’m deeply in love with the first film. I mean, not only is Derek Zoolander really, really ridiculously good-looking, but Zoolander is a really, really ridiculous movie... in the best way possible.
To recap, in case you’re a Zoolander virgin, it follows the seedy underbelly of male modeling and an assassination attempt on the Prime Minister of Malaysia. Yeah, seriously. The Prime Minister is trying to end child labor, and the fashion industry wants to take him out. Enter top male model Derek Zoolander, who gets brainwashed by the insanely-coiffed Mugatu to assassinate the prime minister. Which is just great, because Derek already has his hands full dealing with a scathing profile in Time Magazine and up-and-coming model Hansel (he’s so hot right now).
In short, it’s a perfect movie. But if you have any doubts of that, here are 34 classic Zoolander jokes that are as timeless as Blue Steel.
1. Fifty Shades Of Derek
I think variety is a big part of his appeal.
2. When Hansel Makes His Big Appearance On His Razr Scooter
He's going to be the one to bring razrs back, just you wait and see.
3. "That Hansel's So Hot Right Now."
4. "Richard Gere's A Real Hero Of Mine... Sting... Sting Would Be Another Person Who's A Hero..."
"The music that he's created, I don't really listen to it. But the fact that he's making it, I respect that."
5. "The Calendar Was Great Because It Gave People A Chance To See A Side Of My Versatility."
Said with a straight face. Said with that face (either Blue Steel or Ferrari, Le Tigre is a lot softer).
6. "Who Am I?"
"I don't know."
7. This Is Alexander Skarsgard
Like, not really a joke within the context of the film; just a piece of hilarity knowing this guy grew up to be Eric Northman.
8. "You Know What Could Really Help You Sort Through These Important Issues?"
"Orange mocha frappuccinos!"
Oh, you guys!
THE CAR RIDE THAT SPAWNED A MILLION MEMES.
10. This Gasoline Fight
It's how we all spend time with our friends, I guess.
11. The Fact That Hansel Can Get Someone To DJ His Entrance To A Funeral
"Hansel. He's So Hot Right Now."
12. "Dammit, Derek, I'm A Coal Miner, Not A Professional Television Actor."
Yeah, Derek, OMG.
13. Derek's Coalmining Montage To "Working For The Weekend"
It isn't at the standards of Christ Farley's Chippendales dance to the song, but it's up there.
14. Derek Looking Much More At Home As A Mermaid
I'm sorry, Merman.
15. Mugatu Pouring Scalding Hot Coffee On His Assistant
Don't you know Mugatu gets farty and bloated with a foamy latte?
16. And Then This Entire Exchange Of Looks
What is... going on here?
17. This Title, Tho
It just rolls off the tongue in such a beautiful way.
18. "What Is This? A Center For Ants?"
Actually, I can't even fault him here, this needs to be at least, like... three times bigger.
19. "You Think You're Too Cool For School. But I Got A News Flash For You, Walter Cronkite... You Aren't."
I'm not sure entirely what this means. I just think Hansel should get some ice for that burn.
20. Also The Fact That Billy Zane Has Derek's Back In A Fight
I mean, who else, though?
21. "I Believe I Might Be Of Service."
Rest in peace, you perfect angel.
22. Anyway, The Walk-Off Ends With This Hilarious Underwear-Grabbing Catastrophe
Not sure what that face is, though.
23. Derek's Flashback To Previous Photoshoots
Dance, monkey, dance!
24. The Way This Threesome Sort Of... Escalates
"Freak fest" doesn't begin to cover it.
25. "There Was A Moment Last Night When She Was Between The Two Finnish Dwarves And The Maori Tribesman Where I Thought, 'Wow, I Could Really Spend The Rest Of My Life With This Woman'"
I hope to God that anecdote made it into their wedding vows.
26. That Mini Cell
The new movie better bring along an iPhone the size of his head.
27. The Fact That Derek Makes His Faces Even When He's Undercover
I think that one's Le Tigre, by the way.
28. Special Shout Out To Mugatu's Dog During This Entire Thing
He is the most valuable prop gag in this whole film.
29. We Got Years Of Files Right Here In This Computer
...well, you did.
30. "Who Cares About Derek Zoolander, Anyway? The Man Has Only One Look, For Christ's Sake! Blue Steel, Ferrari, Le Tigre? They're The Same Face! Doesn't Anyone Notice This? I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills!"
Brand. New. Information.
31. But Then Derek Unleashes The Life-Saving Look of Magnum
Ethereally beautiful and completely new, what can I say?
32. Derek Talking To The Prime Minister Of Malaysia In His Native Tongue
33. Baby's First Look
He's gonna grow up just fine.
Zoolander 2 hits theaters February 12, but make sure to revisit all those award-winning facial expressions beforehand.
Images: Paramount Pictures (48)