When you've been single in your 20s for as long as I have (#swag), you get in the business of not just being the resident third wheel, but the resident fifth, seventh, and occasionally ninth wheel as well. And if there is one thing I've learned in my wheeling career, it is that girlfriends and boyfriends will come and go — but your third wheel is your home skillet for life.
Before you get too touched by those words, coupled friends, know that a significant amount of your third wheel's undying loyalty has to do with the free cheese and wine we score whenever we go to your place. (Coupled people are so good about always having cheese, bless them.) But even if we weren't rolling around in your dairy drawers every Thursday night, we really, truly do care about our coupled friends, which is exactly what makes being the resident third wheel so fun. We've been there from the beginning, so it's like your relationship was a wee tadpole that matured into a bellowing, glorious frog in front of our very eyes. A frog that then lets us hang out with it a lot because we don't have our own sexy friend to smush faces with on the reg (thanks, y'all).
All of this is to say that third wheeling is mutually beneficial for both parties. Behind every power couple is a sturdy third wheel squeaking merrily in the back, and here are all the reasons you should fist bump yours today:
We Keep You From Becoming One Of ~Those~ Couples
Remember Roger and Nancy from college? Of course you don't. Because they coupled up, moved into a cozy one bedroom uptown with a puppy, and nobody ever saw them again. This, my friends, is the hazard of dating without a stable, reliable third wheel in your corner. Without us dragging you around to hang out in the real world, no doubt you would have disappeared so thoroughly into your Domestic Bliss & Chill that you would have inspired a terrible episode of Law and Order by now.
We Provide You With Some Much Needed Entertainment
Let's be real. Even Beyoncé and Jay-Z bore the sh*t out of each other sometimes. That's when you do stuff like crash Taylor Swift's 25th birthday party and get Christmas crunk.
We Let You Live Vicariously Through Our Single Shenanigans
The problem with being coupled is all of a sudden you're cut off from all the glory of cheetah selfies and "lol not my kid!!! that's my niece" that you would normally get your fill of on Tinder. Bummer, right?? Thank god your third wheel is still out in the trenches living that #SingleLife so you can get all your kicks secondhand and swipe-free.
We're Always Here To Listen To Both Sides Of The Argument
You've got your friends and they've got their friends, and every time you fight his friends talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me (sorry, I'm done quoting Taylor, I swear). What I mean to say is, it's all well and good to whine to your own friends about your relationship issues, but if they're just your friend and not your partner's too, they don't really have the full perspective on the issue. Your resident third wheel knows you both, and can be fair and objective listening to both of your issues without falling back on tearing the other person down for some fleeting satisfaction from whoever is doing the complaining. It's hella more constructive to whine to us than anybody else.
We Push You To Try New Things You Normally Wouldn't
Nobody's blaming coupled people for getting cozy. Getting cozy is the DREAM. But we third wheels are especially adept at disrupting that because, unlike you, we don't have someone to go in on a GroupOn or rent canoes with us, so we're up in your grill asking pretty please for you guys to go with us instead. Look at us, SELFLESSLY expanding your horizons by dragging you into a drinking and painting class! You're welcome.
Your Relationship Always Has Someone In Its Corner
You have people in your corner, and your partner has people in their corner — which is deeply necessary, because you gotta maintain your sense of self no matter how serious a relationship you're in. But your third wheel is the only friend who is in the corner of both of you as a whole, rooting for that relationship, and the only friend who is going to be there for both of you if you end up growing apart. Barring any unforgivable acts that instigated it, nobody wins us in the breakup. We love you both, together or apart.
So go out there today, coupled humans, and fist bump your third wheel. And if you don't have one ... get on it, stat. You need us to survive.
Images: Warner Bros; Giphy