Like a lot of my chronically messy brethren, I used to have this fantasy of the magical unicorn human I would be someday, in that distant future when I was a ~grown up~. I would line my Instagram-worthy bedroom walls with minimalist art prints, prop decorative pillows from Etsy all over my bed, or at the very least be able to walk in a straight line without kicking up a bra, an old receipt, or my hairdryer. My clothes would be in actual drawers, my bed would be made, and I'd be so organized that if Oscar Isaac showed up at my apartment door and said, "Let's go on every cheese tour in Europe right this instant, our flight leaves in an hour," I'd be able to instantly find my passport instead of crawling under my bed with some spiders and crying dairy-related tears.
Well, spoiler alert. That whole organization awakening never happened (nor did the European cheese tours, alas). What does happen is that I clean the crap out of my room every month or so, and then within four days usually backslide like a pro into my messy ways. I used to beat myself up about it a lot — in my head, I wouldn't officially be an adult until I was Pinterest-organized down to the last fleck of glitter — but in my actual adulthood I've come to terms with it. So long as you're not leaving food or legitimately gross stuff unattended, a little mess in your own bedroom isn't going to hurt anybody. In fact, I'd argue that, if anything, it makes you even more valuable to humanity. Non-messy people of the world, the truth is that you'd be lucky to date one of us — and just in case you had any doubts, here's a whole slew of reasons why.
We're Hella Laid Back
Just look how low our standards are! (Er, not that that has anything to do with our attraction to you, dear.)
We’ll Make You Look Like A Saint
Before us, you were just an averagely tidy individual. But now you are a god who makes even the Brawny paper towel man quiver in his cleanly boots.
We'll Teach You All Our Other Life Hacks
Messy people are messy for a reason — we have the time to clean, but we feel our time would be useful elsewhere. Yes, it's unforch for our floors, but it means that we're usually masterminds of time-saving hacks across all the other genres of Stuff That Needs To Get Done in our lives. And lucky for you, we're happy to share our knowledge about things like proper chopstick usage and poop buttons.
We’re More ~Creative~ Between The Sheets Of That Chronically Unmade Bed
Look, tidy people, if there's one thing you don't want to mess with, it's science. In a study conducted by Psychological Science in 2013, researchers found that among participants working in neat rooms and messy rooms, the ones who worked in the messier rooms came up with more creative, out-of-the-box solutions to challenges. Wanna be our next challenge? ;))))))))).
None Of Your Stuff Will Ever Get Lost Again
Even the tidiest people will lose their keys every now and then, and there is no better helper in finding them than your resident gremlin/garbage person who has a lifetime's worth of experience sniffing out lost crap. You're weeeeeelcome!
Cleanly "Opposites" Attract
Or at least, differing personalities do. A lot of evidence suggests that if you're a Type A personality, particularly if you're an older or only child, you should seek a more Type B personality in a partner. And nothing screams "Type B" quite like the recycling I shoved under my bed a couple of weeks ago and promptly forgot about, y'all.
Nobody Will Ever Rob You Again
The quickest way to save money on that in-house security alarm system? Shack up with us! Nobody will ever be able to find your valuables, let alone snatch 'em. (See: "Life Hacks," above.)
Legit, Though, We Will Be Respectful Of Your Cleanliness Level In Shared Spaces
We're not MONSTERS. (But just know that opening our closets is basically inviting an anxiety attack.)
We'll Never Question Your Love For Us
I mean ... if you're willing to put up with Hurricane Bae, we know the feeling's real.
Images: Pexels; Giphy