We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how to touch a guy's butt, taint, and anus.
Q: I’m really curious about exploring backdoor play with my guy. He’s done all kinds of stuff to me; he’s used his fingers and we’ve had anal sex. But he seems to think his anus is kind of off-limits. He’s not so caveman-esque as to think it “makes him gay,” but he seems really nervous about it. I know how good it feels, and I want him to be able to experience that kind of pleasure too. How can I encourage him to explore, and how should I touch his taint and bum, if he's cool with it?
A: Thanks for the question! As you’ve discovered, anal play can be a ton of fun! The anus has been seen as “taboo” for so long, but more and more people are opening up to the joys of venturing backdoor. Unfortunately, it’s sometimes a bit harder for heterosexual guys to allow themselves to explore. Even though your guy isn’t a caveman himself, he’s still a part of a society that’s pretty sex negative, especially when it comes to straight guys and their buttholes. Here are eight ways to help your man open up (hah) to the joys of anal play.
1. Let Him Decide
First things first, no exploring without getting your guy’s explicit permission. Sometimes I see tips encouraging women to just go for the anus without asking, with the reasoning that once the guy knows how good anal play feels, he’ll be more open to it. I think this is horrible advice (and horribly violating, to boot). How would you feel if your guy tried to “surprise” you by doing something you’d previously said “no” to? I get that you want to help him expand his horizons, but at the end of the day, it’s his anus, his body, his call.
2. ...But Give Him Encouragement
That being said, it’s totally fine to keep talking to your boyfriend about anal play. Show him this article, and read through some of my suggestions together. Tell him, “it’s your decision, and I don’t want to pressure you, but I just wanted to see what you thought.” You can also try asking him, “is there anything I could do to make you feel more open to it?” Perhaps he would feel more comfortable if he knew that you promised not to tell anyone about it (not even your bff), or if the two of you explored in the shower (for easy, unembarrassing clean-up).
3. Share Your Story
It’s hard to try something new if you have no clue what it’s going to be like. You might be able to put your boyfriend more at ease by sharing more details about what your experiences with butt play were like. Did you have any hesitations before the two of you started exploring your ass? Any fears? What helped you decide to go for it? You can also try describing the specific details of the experience to him. What was the sensation like? How did it compare to getting stimulated on other areas of your body?
4. Start With The Butt
If your guy is not sure about his anus, ask if he’s willing to try a little cheek play. If he’s really timid, start with the old hand-in-the-back-pocket move when you guys are hanging out at home, and give him a few squeezes. Give him a massage, and graze your hands over his butt cheeks. Run a finger along the bottom of his cheeks, where his butt meets his thighs. Our butt muscles can get tense, just like any other muscle, so a nice kneading massage can feel fantastic. Or try giving him a good spank (hold your hand to his cheek afterwards to minimize the sting). If you guys are having intercourse in Missionary position, grab his butt cheeks and pull him deeper into you. Ask him if his derriere enjoys the extra attention.
5. Move On To The Taint
Another way to ease your boyfriend into anal exploration is to play with his taint (more properly known as the perineum). This is the entire zone between his anus and his balls (if it ain't the balls and it ain't the anus, it's the taint). It’s not an area that typically gets a ton of attention, but there are a number of nerve endings there. Plus, the sensation somewhat resembles anal play, so it’s a good introduction.
Try giving your boyfriend a handjob with one hand, and stroking the length of the taint with the pointer finger of your other hand. If that feels too ticklish for him, bend your finger and use your knuckle to knead into the area. As you move your knuckle in slow circles, gently increase the level of pressure you use, and ask your boyfriend to tell you when it feels best. You may want to use a dab of lube on your finger, since the area can be a bit hairy on some men (the lube will keep things moving smoothly).
6. Apply A Tiny Bit Of Pressure
If your boyfriend gives you the go-ahead to go further back to his anus, the best way to start is by using the tip of your pointer finger to apply a tiny bit of pressure to the opening of his anus. Don’t move your finger, and don't try to push inside his rectum; just hang out right at the entrance. It won't feel like you're doing much, but it will be a lot of sensation for him (and it will give him the chance to get used to it). You must use lube when you do this. As you’ve probably discovered when he played with your's, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate. Dry stimulation can feel uncomfortable, so you want the slippery barrier that lube creates.
Make sure to touch his anus while you’re doing other pleasurable things, like giving him a hand job or blow job. Or see if you can reach around when the two of you are having intercourse (Missionary or side-by-side facing each other are usually good bets). Another quick tip — make sure your fingernail is trimmed and neatly filed. No jagged edges!
7. Put Him In Charge
If you’re both interested in going any further than the outside of your boyfriend’s anus, let him be in control of the pace and depth of penetration. Slowly, slowly push your finger in further, checking in with him the whole time. Try going in an inch, then pulling back out, then going in another inch. Or tell him you’ll keep your finger still, and he can push his body against you at the pace that feels comfortable to him. A basic in and out motion is really all you need. Most of the nerve endings are at the entrance of the anus, so you can keep the range of motion relatively small. Again, lube is a must here!
8. Praise Him!
If you both end up really enjoying it, know you can always take it a step further and explore pegging, sex toys, or rimming. But either way, give your boyfriend a big high-five for being willing to attempt any of the techniques I mentioned above. It can take a lot of courage for a straight guy to open himself up to anal play.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.
Images: Bustle; Giphy