The ‘Dead 7’ Opening Credits Left Me With 21 Bloody Important Questions For Nick Carter’s Zombie Western

In just three days’ time, a work of cinematic genius will kick open cable television’s saloon doors and change our lives for the better: On April Fool’s Day 2016, Nick Carter’s zombie Western Dead 7 will premiere. You’ve seen the trailer. You’ve heard the song. And now, you can watch the made-for-TV movie’s opening credits. On Tuesday, Rolling Stone shared an exclusive Dead 7 sneak peek, and it is all things gruesome and delightful. The two-minute clip, which you can watch on the RS website, only fuels my “THIS FILM WILL BE PERFECT” fire.

Hey, if over-the-top campy horror isn’t your bag, the Dead 7 cast will never break your heart, it will never make you cry: The post-apocalyptic bloodbath stars Carter, Howie Dorough, A.J. McLean, Jeff Timmons, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, and Erik-Michael Estrada. The Carter-penned motion picture is a late ‘90s/early ‘00s boy band extravaganza, and I couldn't be more on board.

Do I love the Dead 7 cast? Duh. Do I love the Dead 7 credits? Duh. Do I have some questions for the Dead 7 credits? Duh. Here they are:

  • Wait, there really isn’t any food or water left?
  • Or is the narrator stretching the truth?
  • If the narrator isn’t exaggerating, how are the humans getting by and fighting off zombies without food or water?
  • Is Apocalypta a zombie?
  • If not, what's her story? How'd she get into the "ruling a zombie army" business?
  • Is this a herd of regular cows?
  • Or is this a herd of zombie cows?
  • Do the ex-boybanders have to ward off zombie humans and zombie cows? If so, those guys have a lot on their plates.
  • Is it OK if I ask some Qs about this clothesline?
  • How long have those blouses been hanging from that clothesline, exactly?
  • Is that a pre-apocalypse clothesline?
  • Like, have those shirts just been chilling up there, relatively unscathed by the zombie versus human war?
  • Or did someone do a quick load of laundry after the zombie apocalypse hit?
  • If so, how did they do laundry without water?
  • Ugh, why am I so fixated on that dang clothesline?
  • Did someone just run over a zombie's dome? *Rewinds* Yup. Yup.
  • Did someone just smash a zombie’s head into smithereens with a weapon of some sort? *Rewinds* Yup. Yup.
  • Well, this is going to be quite a gruesome cable TV program, eh?
  • Will Whiskey Joe (Fatone) and Major Shelby (Kirkpatrick) sing “Ain’t no lie, zombie/Die, die die” at any point?
  • Will Jack (Carter), The Vaquero (Dorough), and Johnny Vermillion (McLean) sing "Show me the meaning/Of being a zombie" at any point?
  • Is this already my favorite movie?

*Plays "In The End" on repeat.*

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On April 1. Syfy. Dead 7. Be there or be a zombie cow.

Images: Syfy (3); Rolling Stone (3)