What's Going On In Ri-Ri's 'Kiss It Better' Video?

Rihanna has a new video hot off the heels of “Work,” and I mean hot. Thursday, Rihanna debuted the music video for “Kiss It Better,” the latest visual entry from the songstress’s eighth studio album, ANTI, and it is... well, it's an eyeful, to say the least. It’s a very confusing eyeful. OK, honestly, guys, I’m not sure what's happening in Rihanna’s “Kiss It Better” music video, but I’m determined to find out.

Suffice to say there are a lot of erotic... things going on, between Rihanna boldly brandishing her nipple piercings to all the implied masturbation. It’s evident that the main goal of the black-and-white video is to be sexy, sexy, sexy, and it sort of succeeds at that. Like, think Madonna's "Justify Your Love" video. It’s that kind of vibe.

But to as to what’s exactly happening, it’s sort of hard to figure out. After a few rewatches, though, I think I may have figured it out? Maybe? Like, enough to try to explain it to you guys in a cohesive way? Well, listen, I’m going to hold your hand through this and really try to explain what I think must be going on in this music video, step by step.

Rihanna Wakes Up Like We All Do In The Morning, With Her Silk Sheets Over Her Head

You know, the wind machine a-blowing.

Then She Rolls A Dice With Her Crotch And Has To Go Straight To Jail In Monopoly

Do not pass go, to not collect $200.

JK, Then She Collects A Bunch Of Dice

Extended "getting lucky" metaphor?

Then She Rolls Around In This Blazer That I'm Pretty Sure She Stole Off Some Dude

Otherwise she's just going for the "entirely ill-fitting" look.

She Exhausts Herself While Crawling Through The Endless Void

There's a lot of over-exertion here, obviously, I would need a quick power nap, too.

But She Reclaims Her Strength And Does Some Sick Lingerie-Clad Acrobatics In The Endless Void

Like that's some Circus du Soleil nonsense right there.

She Does Some Air-Humps Too, To Strengthen Her Core

Well, air-humps or some really reverse sit-ups.

She Gets Shirtless Yet Like Somehow This Appears To Be A Stressful Endeavor...?

As if she's still all tuckered out from the crawling.

Then She Shows Off The Henna Tattoo She Got At The Seaside Heights Boardwalk

You should tell her it looks nice, she's really proud of it.

Obviously She Pretends To Make Out With Someone, Which Doesn't Fool Me

Because there is nothing in this void except dice, apparently.

And Finally She Struts Out Of The Void, But WAIT, RIHANNA, YOU FORGOT YOUR SHIRT

Oh my God, not again.

Yeah, OK, so I clearly I have no idea what's going on in this video either — but feel free to watch it below and try to figure it out yourself!

Images: RihannaVevo/YouTube (12)