It's with a heavy heart that America says goodbye to another would-be POTUS on Wednesday. While no one believed that of all the bizarro-world outcomes of this Hanna-Barbera wacky race primary Gov. John Kasich of Ohio would be the last one standing against Donald Trump, it seems fitting that Kasich makes his graceful exit into oblivion ( I mean obscurity) before the Republican National Convention in July. To put it in terms Kasich would incorrectly explain to an indifferent congregation: In this story, David walks away from Goliath — and no one remembers who he was, anyway.
But don't cry for Kasich, friends! He's had a good run of incorrectly eating pizza, savagely shoving deli sandwiches and, of course, his own foot in his mouth. He'll be okay, returning to the Heartland (the place, ideally, and not the terrible Fox News program) where he can live out his days in peace, safe from the tiny, ever-pointing fingers of the presumptive Republican nominee.
And since not everyone can resume their successful serial-killing careers once they finish campaigning, I compiled an incomplete list of what the future may have in store for our least-favorite Ohio yokel. He could:
- Abandon politics to become a deli-owner in the Bronx.
- Stay in politics and still become a deli-owner in the Bronx.
- Attend even more weddings of those gay friends he most definitely, certainly has. Yes.
- Travel from school to school to personally lecture young women about dress code violations.
- Have that long overdue sit-down with the managing staff of his local Home Depot.
- Get that high score on fruit ninja.
- Start training for professional over-sized sandwich-eating contests.
- Get some Taylor Swift tickets.
- Finish that YA paranormal romance manuscript he's been sitting on.
- Score some appearances on late-night/early-morning infomercials to get in on that sweet, sweet As Seen On TV money.
- Finally learn how to eat pizza correctly. (It's not that hard, John.)
Other Kasich scholars on Twitter also weighed in on some potential plans for the good Governor's future.
While it’s a bummer that we'll be deprived of the corn-fed folky sensibilities and incomparable mansplaining skills we've grown so accustomed to in the last year, we can be certain that he'll always be the number one benevolently patriarchal, not-at-all moderate-despite-what-he-keeps-saying Ohioan in our hearts.