Don't Panic, But The Fans Have Gone Cuckoo

No one told today's celebs that when they got famous some day, they would have to put up with strangers accosting them at every turn, but most of them have gotten pretty used to it. Of course, no one — not even those of entrenched in celeb culture — could have predicted the rash of horrible, disgusting people out there who think it's okay to grab the rear ends of their favorite celebs, like Justin Timberlake's new least-favorite fan in Philadelphia.

At his concert at Philadelphia's Wells Fargo Center, one fan decided it was his or her (the jury's still out since all we can see in the video is a hand) big chance to forcefully absorb JT's life force through unwanted touching. In a video captured by another concert goer (below) Timberlake becomes visibly irate when a fan's hand reaches up — more than one incredibly rude time — and grabs his admittedly nice derriere. At first, Timberlake plays it off as accident and swipes the disembodied hand away, but when the fan tries it again, he swivels around and stares down whoever belongs to that groping device as if to say, "This ass belongs to Jessica Biel, you incomparable creep."

We're suppose to say how wonderful it is that while Timberlake was clearly furious, he went on with the show. There are no videos of him ranting about disrespect or calling out the fan for being horribly inappropriate. He's a conssumate professional and there were approximately 19,000 other people there to see Timberlake who weren't groping him inappropriately, so he did his job. We're supposed to say what a class act he is for doing this — and he is — but that, my fellow celeb-obsessed folks, is not the story here.

There's a clear rash of beyond inappropriate celebrity touching and celeb contact seizing the fans of the world and it's getting ridiculous. Want proof? Just look at the utter insanity celebs have had to put up with in the past month alone — and while you may say "they earn enough cash to deal with it," that's true for silly questions about what face cream they prefer or how they manage to keep those svelte figures of theirs. That doesn't mean surprise grab-ass is on the table, capiche?


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Timberlake certainly didn't get the worst of the crazy fan end of the stick — though where inappropriate touching is concerned, no incident is really more okay than another. While at a Modern Family party in Sydney, Sarah Hyland was allegedly groped by a fan who took a photo with her and then grabbed her breast. According to reports, she responded, "Don't touch me there." Hyland's boyfriend later tweeted an apology to fans who were unable to meet the actress as a result while condemning the man accused of groping her.

Yes, celebrities are unbelievably attractive and sometimes it sends strange signals to your brain, but to all the creeps of the world, trust me: celebs are actually human people, too. Groping is off limits.


Swifty's invasive concert-goer didn't touch any of her bathing suit areas, but he did storm her on stage at her London concert and managed to get close enough to put something in her hand before security dragged him offstage. Swift was all smiles because she's even better at holding it together than JT, but again, super fans: this is not okay. If you want to meet a celeb, find yourself a meet and greet. Or you could just do what the rest of us do and go about your life without appearing to be an insane person.


Look, we all fantasize about our favorite celebs. Many of them are unfairly attractive — after all, the fact that Beyonce is a real person still blows my mind — but that's the rub. Celebrities are unfair. They are dangled in front of you constantly and their physical equivalents are rarely found in the wild. They ruin our expectations of how clothes should fit and how our romantic partners should look. It sucks. But it's reality, cupcake.

And sure, you've been JT's/Hyland's/Swifty's biggest fan since before anyone even knew who they were. So you commissioned your own glittery guitar so you could drop your own tears on it like Taylor or still have Timberlake's *NSYNC marionette in its orgininal packaging and the water bottle he threw into the audience during the No Strings Attached tour or have every Modern Family DVD set with a heart drawn around Hyland's face. That's great. Just don't think that because you spent all of your hard-earned cash on vanilla lip balm with Timberlake's face on it — I've been there too — that you somehow have uncommon rights or ownership of your favorite celebrity.

We feel so connected to artists and actors thanks to Twitter, Instagram, and the constant media surveillance, but we don't actually know these people and much like a total stranger at your local mall, they are going to lose their shit when you grope them without permission. So buy yourself a cardboard cutout or giant wall poster if you must, but keep your damn hands off of celebrities, because at the risk of becoming a walking Us Weekly column: celebrities actually are just like us. And we all hate uninvited touching.


Images: Wifflegif