If The 'Real Housewives Of New Jersey' Taglines Were More Realistic...

NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 11: Teresa Giudice (L) and Melissa Gorga attend the Rookie USA Presents Kids Rock! Fall 2016 fashion show during New York Fashion Week: The Shows at The Dock, Skylight at Moynihan Station on February 11, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images for NYFW: The Shows)
Source: Monica Schipper/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

As a Real Housewives super fan, I cannot help looking forward to the cast members' taglines during the shows' opening credits. Sometimes the words are just so clever and truly on point, but other times, I feel like they are a little bit off base. If only I was employed by Bravo to consult about this very important matter. Even though I'm not, I decided to come up with more realistic versions of the Real Housewives of New Jersey taglines. I know this show inside and out, and I know what the viewers would rather hear at the start of each episode — or at least I think I do. Hopefully someone reads my suggestions and invites me to help out with future seasons, but since that is not at all realistic, I figured I would just share all of my ideas here.

There is just something so distinctly different about being a Real Housewife in New Jersey than being a cast member on another Real Housewives show. These women have such a unique vibe. Here are some new taglines, that would make the opening to their show even more honest than these ladies already are.

"I used to flip tables, now I'm turning them. Buy my book Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again."

It is no coincidence that Teresa Giudice's tagline from Season 7 fits in perfectly with the title of her latest book: Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again. There might as well be a QR code on the screen so the viewers can scan it to buy a copy.


"Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice, it won't upset me since I'll have a story line to keep me on the show."

If you're all caught up on Season 7, you are well aware that Jacqueline Laurita's family is going through financial problems, so it would probably help them out for her to stay on the show. So, if you ask me, Jacqueline might be secretly happy whenever the controversy comes her way: more air time and more assurance that she will be asked back next season.


"Some people think I'm too much, but I have to be — it’s my job.”

I'm loving Siggy Flicker as one of the new Housewives this season, but I feel like all of her story lines involve her getting involved in other people's lives. That must be a hard habit to break though since she is a "relationship expert" for a living. Still, I would like to know more about Siggy herself instead of just hearing her opinions about everyone else's lives.


"If you think I'm a b*tch, sorry, but I'm actually not that exciting."

I know all us fans love Dina Manzo, especially since it seemed like she had so much sass in the beginning, but nothing really came of it. Her husband never appeared on camera, her daughter started to appear less and less, and she refused to address her family drama or her dating life. She basically opened up about nothing except for her hairless cat. 


"Life is short, I have no time for drama... so I'm just riding this out until I get my own spinoff show."

It really seemed like Caroline Manzo was so over this show pretty quickly. She was so above the drama the entire time. Thankfully for Caroline, she stuck around long enough to get her own drama-free TV show.


"If you can't take the heat, get out of my kitchen and just buy my desserts."

I'm not sure why Kathy Wakile always tried to seem so tough with her RHONJ taglines since she was always so sweet and chill. I have to assume that the kitchen reference in this one was alluding to the baked goods that she has been trying to sell.


"I'm a survivor, but I'm not going to stick around on this show."

Amber Marchese did not last long on RHONJ, and decided to leave after only one season.


"You're not seeing double, you're seeing boring."

The twins could talk the talk, but they could not walk the walk. They acted all feisty, but they pretty much brought nothing to the table, other than confusion about which twin was which. They basically had no story line other than tepid attempts to stir the pot.


"I was raised Jersey strong. Nothing in this life can shake me."

No, I didn't make a typo. Dolores Catania's tagline is already pretty on point. I have no idea how she does it, but the woman has been through a lot and she is still calm, cool, and collected. Props to Dolores. 

I can tell that a lot of these ladies really thought that they were killing the game with these taglines, but they were not always 100 percent applicable. I think my revisions are definitely improvements.

Images: RHOgif/Tumblr (9)

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