We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today's topic: how to bring the kissing back to your relationship.
Q: “When we started dating, my boyfriend and I kissed and made out all the time. Now, I feel like it's always just a couple kisses. Or he’ll kiss me, but only as a way to lead to sex. Does this mean his feelings for me have changed? Is he less in love with me than he used to be? I've tried bringing it up that I want to kiss more and he tries sometimes, but he's just not that into it and will start wanting to go further. Is this a bad sign for our relationship that we don't just make out as much anymore?”
A: Thanks for the question! Almost anyone who has been in a relationship has experienced the kissing slowdown (it’s like the younger sibling of the sexual slowdown). Don’t fret — it’s pretty darn normal for kissing to taper off in a relationship. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a kissless relationship. Let’s jump right into what it means when you stop kissing as much, and nine tips for bringing more kissing back into your relationship.
1. Remember This Is Normal
Like I just noted, it’s really normal in a relationship to stop kissing as much as you did when you first started dating. First kisses are electrifying. There’s so much excitement, chemistry, and potential. Most people could kiss for hours at the beginning of a relationship. But as time goes on, kissing loses some of its novelty. We get used to the way our partner kisses, and we start feeling a little less enthralled with the whole process. That’s just how life works — anytime you’re getting anything on a consistent basis, it loses a bit of its thrill. Plus, can you imagine what life would look like if you spent hours kissing every day? It might be fun, but it isn't sustainable.
That being said, it doesn’t mean your partner is bored with you or less in love with you. Unless your boyfriend seems generally uninterested in any type of intimacy, I wouldn’t get too worried about it. All that it means at this point is that the two of you need to put a bit more effort into fanning the flames of desire with each other. Keep reminding him of the importance of making out, and try out some of the tips below.
If you want to kiss more, you should ask your boyfriend to kiss you more! And I’m not talking about asking him to initiate the kissing; I’m talking about you grabbing the reins and asking for what you want, when you want it. If you’re feeling amorous in the moment, tell him, “hey, I really want to make out with you right now.” I know it would be nice to have a partner who just knew what you wanted and when you wanted it, but that’s just not how relationships work. You can keep reminding your boyfriend to make more of an effort too, but you should also take on some of the responsibility.
3. Surprise Them
One of the great things about those first kisses with a new partner is that there’s a lot of anticipation and uncertainty about when the kissing is going to happen. I’m sure you remember wondering whether or not he was going to kiss you on your first date. Or maybe you remember getting the butterflies the first time you went in to kiss him. You can recapture some of that feeling by catching your partner off guard with kisses. If you feel a little surge of love for him when you watch him reading his book on the sofa, go sit on his lap and start kissing him. Catch him when he’s walking into the bedroom, pin him up against the wall, and start making out.
4. Tease Them
If your partner is used to kisses leading to sex, you can tease him by refusing to let it get that far. Start kissing your boyfriend. When you can tell he’s starting to get excited and wanting things to go further, pull away and say something like, “that’s all you get for now.” Walk away, giving him a saucy look over your shoulder. Or you can tell him that in order for you to agree to have sex with him, he has to sweep you off your feet with a killer make-out session. (Of course, only do this if you genuinely feel like having sex in the moment.)
5. Challenge Them
You can also try turning kissing into a bit of a game. Tell your partner you miss when kissing was the main event. Tell him you want to have a make-out session, but you want to see who can hold out the longest before giving into the temptation to take it to the next step. Whoever starts begging for more first loses!
6. Set The Mood
Another reason why couples tend to kiss more at the beginning of a relationship is because there are more opportunities for romantic make-out sessions. You’re going on nice dates, and you’re trying to impress each other. It’s hard to get excited for a make-out when you’re just sitting around in your sweats watching TV. Make the effort to have a regular date night, even if you’re staying in. Get dolled up for each other. Try exploring romantic places in your town. Get in the mood for making out.
7. Revisit Your Old Make-Out Haunts
In a similar vein, you can recapture some of your early relationship magic by going back to some of the places you used to make out. Maybe you used to go to the beach or a lookout point. It can even be in your own home. For example, maybe you used to sit out on the porch watching the stars in between kisses. Haul some pillows and blankets out there, and go to town!
8. Make A Hello And Goodbye Rule
One of my favorite kissing suggestions is to come up with a rule where you guys have to give each other a real kiss each time you say hello and goodbye. Not a little peck on the cheek. A full on mini-makeout session. It’s a great reminder to take the time out of your busy days to connect with each other on this level.
9. ... And A Goodnight Rule
Another good variation is to promise that you’ll always spend some time making out together at the end of the night. Try getting into bed a few minutes before you usually do, and have a proper make-out session before you go to sleep.
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