We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Now, onto today’s topic: how to kiss someone well. Even if you're already pretty great at it, there's probably something more you can learn.
Q: I've kissed a few people, but I still feel like I'm not as good of a kisser as I could be. How do I know if I'm a good kisser? Can you give me any kissing tips? How can I be sure I'm really kissing someone well? (If you can't tell, I'm feeling kind of nervous about this. I mean, kissing is important! It can make or break your connection with someone.)
A: Thanks for the question! So many people overlook kissing, especially once they’ve moved on to other “bases”. But kissing is a ridiculous amount of fun, and is fully deserving of your attention and effort. It's also super important to intimacy, foreplay, and attraction in general. Here are eight steps to up your kissing game, since we could all use a kissing refresher!
Take Your Time
Arguably the best tip I could give you is to go slow and ease your way into every kiss. If you’re feeling anxious about your kissing abilities, that anxiety is likely spurring you into rushing your way through it. But no one likes kissing someone who is hyperactive and all over the place. Kissing is supposed to be relaxing and sensual! Go nice and slow until you feel yourself start to settle down and get into the groove.
Use The Right Amount Of Pressure
One of the most basic ways that people mess up kissing is by going to extremes with the amount of pressure they use. Some people are way too forceful with their kisses, and wind up bumping teeth, pushing their partner backwards, or coming off as aggressive. Other people are shy and timid, and their kisses end up feeling lifeless. Think about handshakes: it feels strange when someone squeezes your hand way too tightly, and kinda creepy when you get a limp handshake. You have to use some pressure but not too much.
I know this will sound silly, but you can practice finding the right amount of pressure by using the back of your hand! Try pressing your lips loosely against your hand, then pressing them forcefully. From there, try to find a middle-of-the-road level of firmness that feels just right.
Use Your Tongue Wisely
Another common characteristic of "bad "kissing is using way too much tongue. When you first start kissing someone, keep the tongue out of it until things start to heat up. Focus more on all the different ways you can kiss with just your lips — keeping your mouth closed, opening it slightly, intertwining your lips with your partners’, pouting your lips, and so on.
When it comes time to add some tongue, be gentle. Your tongue is an incredibly strong muscle, so you need to be careful not to go overboard. Try just gently touching your tongue to your partner’s at first. Imagine that your tongues are softly caressing each other. Don’t jab at your partner with your tongue, and don’t put too much of your tongue into their mouth. Just gentle caresses.
If you feel unsure about how to use your tongue, try practicing on the back of your hand again. Give your hand a firm jab with your tongue, just so you can see how strong your tongue is. Then play away with different ways of moving your tongue across your skin. I know it will feel silly to “practice” on your hand, but it really is an easy way to get a sense of how things feel!
Get Your Whole Body Involved
The best kisses involve your entire bodies, not just your lips! Wrap your arms around your partner’s body, or stroke their arms, shoulders, and back with your hands. Press your body up against theirs. Hold their face in your hands, or run your hands through their hair. You can also take little breaks from their lips to kiss their necks or ears. Use your body to create some variety.
Be A Tease
Teasing your partner between kisses is a ton of fun! Here are a few easy techniques to try:
- Break away from a kiss and look your partner in the eye, with a sly smile on your face.
- Pull your lips away and gently stroke their lower lip with your thumb.
- Keep your slightly-open mouth close to theirs and breathe in and out together.
- Brush your lips against your partner’s, without actually kissing them.
Adapt Your Technique
You can work on kissing techniques all you want, but the reality is that each person you kiss is going to have a different kissing style. When you’re kissing someone, pay attention to what your partner is doing and what they seem to respond to best.
Are they moving their tongue very slowly? Do they let out a little moan each time you bite their lower lip? Try to adapt your routine to theirs. If you’re unsure of what your partner likes, say to them, “kiss me how you like to be kissed,” then follow their lead. That way, you’ll learn exactly what they like.
Don’t Judge Yourself
Even though I’ve tried to give you lots of techniques to experiment with, I want to encourage you not to think about technique too much as you’re kissing. Try to get out of your head and stop analyzing what you’re doing in the moment — just feel what's happening.
It’s also worth keeping in mind that you’re not going to have great kissing chemistry with everyone you meet. Sometimes it’s just going to feel “off” or awkward. That doesn’t make you a bad kisser, it just means you haven’t found the right kissing partner!
Find What Feels Good To You
Above all else, try to focus on finding the kissing styles and techniques that you enjoy the most. Remember, kissing is supposed to be fun! Follow what feels good, pay attention to the signals your partner is sending you, and chances are, you can't be doing it "wrong"!
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