We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org. Now, onto today’s topic: how to seduce your man or woman.
Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We’re madly in love, but I have to admit that our sex life has been feeling stale for the last year, at least. We were watching a TV show the other day in which one of the main characters seduces the other main character. It made me sad that my boyfriend and I have grown so familiar with each other, and won’t be able to experience that kind of newness. Is it still possible to seduce your man even if you’ve been together for a while?
A: Thanks for your question! It’s totally normal for sex to become routine and a little predictable in a longterm relationship. The chemistry and intensity of those early days usually transforms into comfort and familiarity once you’ve been dating for a while. Even though you can’t actually travel back in time and relive your early days of passion, you can bring some seduction back into your relationship. Here are eight totally doable ideas to try!
1. Initiate In Unexpected Moments Or Situations
In long-term relationships, most couples don’t make much of an effort to initiate sex creatively, or even at all. Think about the last few times you initiated sex; odds are it was probably at the end of the night, when you were already in bed and exhausted. Instead, try to initiate sex in moments when your partner not expecting it, like first thing in the morning, or right after they get out of the shower.
2. Be A Tease
A little bit of playful withholding can be incredibly sexy. Try talking dirty to your partner when having sex isn't a possibility, like while you're out at dinner or in a movie theater. Tell your partner that you can't wait to get back home, and tell them exactly what you want to do when you get there.
You can also tease during sex itself. A lot of long-term couples end up going through the same routines and having hurried sex. Instead, try prolonging the process as long as you can stand it. Get your partner to the brink of orgasm, then back off and make them wait for a few minutes before continuing.
3. Surprise Your Partner When They Get In The Door
The element of surprise is one of the best things you have going for you when you’ve been together for a while. Try to get home from work before your boyfriend one day. As soon as he comes in the door, take his hand and guide him straight into your bedroom. Or greet him wearing nothing at all!
4. Plan A Romantic Weekend Getaway
Work out all of the arrangements for a little trip for just the two of you, then surprise your partner with the news. Vacations can of course be expensive and time-consuming, but they are one of the best ways to bring some life back into your sexual relationship. Even if you can only afford one night in an Airbnb in your home city, they'll still appreciate the thought and effort, and you'll both benefit from the change of scenery. And really, is there any better way to spend your hard-earned money than on quality time and relaxation?
5. Wear Lingerie
One of the first things to go in a longterm relationship is the sexy lingerie. Once we get comfortable with a partner, we tend to break out the sweats and ratty broken-in shirts. There's nothing wrong with being cozy with each other, but a little lingerie can go a long way! Let your partner help you pick out a new set to buy. Crawl into bed in a hot negligee and call your partner into the bedroom. Slip into something sexy, then casually sit on the sofa as if you were just going to watch TV like you usually do. Wearing lingerie makes you more conscious of your own body, so you may feel even more in the mood too.
6. Pretend To Be Strangers
If you've each got a sense of humor and halfway-decent acting abilities, you can reenact meeting each other for the first time. (You’ll have to arrange this one beforehand, to avoid some serious confusion on his part.) Try meeting up at the bar or restaurant where you had one of your first dates. Pretend you're total strangers who are hitting it off well enough to go home together for the evening.
7. Take Charge For The Night
Tell your boyfriend that you're going to be in charge for the evening. Take control of the entire interaction, leading the way at every step and making all of the decisions. Even if your boyfriend usually enjoys being the more dominant one, he'll appreciate being able to relax and let you have your way with him. (Here's how to do it.)
8. ... Or Offer To Let Them Be In Charge
You can also do the complete opposite, and let your boyfriend be in control for the evening. You can even make it a little kinky by telling him you're his "sex servant" for the night and will do anything he wants (while still respecting your boundaries, of course!).
A lot of us think of seduction as being complicated, but it really only takes a little effort, creativity, and that element of surprise. Whatever you decide to do, don't forget to have fun!