Brangelina's Divorce, In Honest Tabloid Headlines

Have you heard all about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's divorce? Have you? HAVE YOU???

Unless your answer to that was, "Yes, I've heard the few actual facts available, but I still need some articles that ignore all those facts and instead use weird outdated sexist stereotypes and unsourced rumors to wildly speculate about the couple's motivations, mindset, and how they might possibly potentially theoretically end up dividing their estate in Majorca!" I regret to inform you that the next few weeks are gonna be a little rough.

When it comes to celebrity divorces, over-the-top speculation is generally the name of the game in our culture — especially in tabloids where, each week, the actions of two stars who happen to have fallen out of love with each other are generally scrutinized as if they are characters in Hamlet, and the world is an AP English class.

However, while it can be absorbing, the tabloid game is hardly an accurate reflection of reality. Tabloids are transmissions from an alternate universe where all women are obsessed with romance and procreation and considered tragic damaged goods if they've ever been divorced or failed to pop out a kid by 30 (meanwhile, male celebrities are generally considered single and ready to mingle long after they've received their lifetime achievement Oscar); a place where no one ever moves on from any romantic relationship, ever; a place where it's cool to air any rumor because we're just so concerned about a celebrity's wellbeing. I'm just so worried about them, I have to read nine articles examining how they might have to lower the selling price on one of their villas because their nanny is threatening to write a tell-all, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

Hey, I'm not trying to judge anyone — flipping through a tabloid while you're on line at the grocery store or trying to poop is part of being human, and following the dramas of celebrity existence often help us feel soothed or more at peace about our own lives. But today, we've decided to straighten out the fun house mirror that tabloids use to examine celebrity lives, and get a jump on the sea of Brangelina break-up tabloid covers headed our way over the next few months — by showing how they'd look if tabloids inhabited a slightly more honest, slightly more equitable world.

For starters, they'd be just as inappropriately concerned with whether Brad will ever find love/ get laid again as they currently are with female celebrities:

And they would be a little more open about their desire to drum up drama out of, you know, literally nothing:

And they'd drop the faux concern, and just admit the kind of information they're interested in gathering after a celebrity split:

Images: Getty Images; Design: Bry Crasch, Chelsea LaSalle, Alyssa Foote/Bustle