On Wednesday night at 10:16 p.m., a woman’s husband disagreed with her, which did not lead to an international incident. According to anonymous sources of an orange-hued variety, the woman expressed an opinion about an unnamed topic, to which the husband reportedly responded, “I disagree with you.” The woman was not surprised at the disagreement, as she has known for quite some time that she and her husband are, in fact, separate people, rather than simply one person divided amongst two different bodies; indeed, the woman and her husband have even been known to disagree before. The Wednesday night event does not appear to have been an isolated incident.
The morning after the disagreement, the woman did not fail to arrive at work, because disagreeing with one’s husband does not preclude one’s ability to do one’s job. She did not therefore find herself frozen at her desk, unable to concentrate because of the schism between her opinion and that of her husband. Because she did not find herself frozen at her desk, fighting back tears as she struggled with what exactly to do about the fact that her husband did not agree with her — was her marriage over? If her marriage was over, how would she survive? Could a woman really exist in this world without a man supporting her and telling her exactly what to think and when to think it? — she also did not miss a Very Important Meeting she had scheduled for two o’clock that afternoon. As a result, she did not unwittingly offend the Very Important People with whom she was scheduled to meet; indeed, they had a rather productive meeting, at the end of which all participants warmly shook hands, according to eyewitness reports.
Because the woman did not offend the Very Important People, the Very Important People did not return to their home country and reconvene in their Situation Room to make a Catastrophic Decision. Accordingly, they did not agree that the only way to respond to the unthinkable slight of a missed meeting was to launch a nuclear attack on the woman, regardless as to the effect on the rest of the woman’s country the attack might have.
The effects of the non-arrival of the nuclear attack were immediate and far-reaching: The woman’s home country did not retaliate, a neighboring country was not caught in the cross-fire, no battle lines were drawn, no alliances were made and then broken, the broken alliances were not then avenged, and the Third World War did not begin. The free world was not thrown into an apocalyptic spiral; millions did not perish. The citizens of Planet Earth were not reduced to a scavenging society, squabbling amongst themselves for any small comfort that might still remain of their old, broken lives. Like pizza. A world without pizza is sad place. (The world’s pizza supply remains unharmed.)
Instead, the woman simply said, “OK,” her husband shrugged, and they carried on with their evening. Because it is absolutely normal for a woman and her husband to disagree, even on issues like the Affordable Care Act.
Editor's note: This piece is satire. We have obviously not entered a post-apocalyptic period in world history where pizza has gone extinct. Yet.
