I have to admit, one of my all time favorite things to Google is 'awkward sex scenes in movies,' because the results are packed with hours of cheesy, cringe-worthy entertainment. As much as I lament the unrealistic portrayal of sex that happens in most movies (especially chick flicks), it's worth noting that the bad sex scenes can be just as important as the good ones. When you watch people acting out sexual faux pas on screens, you might be more likely to view it objectively and take in what's not going right, improving your own sex game in the process.
One thing that we could all stand to hear more often is that sex is sometimes just plain bad. There's no point in feeling embarrassed about an awkward sexual encounter, because it's almost guaranteed that you're neither the first nor the last person to experience it. However unrealistic the plot may be, movies with bad sex scenes are a funny but reassuring way to face your bedroom insecurities, because it's a reminder that real-life sex isn't always perfect. For every ultra-fast orgasm and perfectly tasteful sex scene, there's one that's crass and a little embarrassing — and those are moments we can learn from while we cringe at them.
Here are seven less-than-sexy moments from movie's love scenes that you won't want to recreate.
1. Underwater Oral (Showgirls)
There are a lot of logistical problems with having sex in water, but when you add oral into the mix, things could get messy. It seems like it'd feel great for the recipient, but I can't really imagine how one would breathe underwater while also performing oral. But hey, props to you if you can pull this off without drowning.
2. Joining The Mile High Club (My Super Ex-Girlfriend)
Alright, so this scene isn't really possible to actually recreate, since none of us can fly. But Luke Wilson's character makes a joke about being in the 'Mile High Club', which is something tons of people aspire to. The thrill of having sex in public is definitely understandable, but I just can't get behind the idea of trying to get aroused while cramped in a tiny, dirty airplane bathroom. Unless someone's buying me a private jet, I'm cool with being too lame for the Mile High Club.
3. Awkward Phone Sex (Her)
The movie Her features an interesting but nonetheless disturbing scene in which Joaquin Phoenix is having super hot phone sex with a stranger — until she tells him to choke her with a dead cat. I'm not one to kink-shame, but if someone's fantasy makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't feel obligated to play along with it (as Phoenix does here).
4. Unsanitary Masturbation ( American Pie )
We've all seen (or at least heard of) the infamous American Pie scene in which Jason Biggs' horny teen character uses a freshly baked pie to jerk off. Though masturbation is healthy — and a fun way to spend your leisure time — there are better, safer male sex toys you can buy, no matter how tempting that warm, gooey pie might look. Just save it for dessert, deal?
5. Poor Listening Skills ( Bridesmaids )
Most humans would give their right arm for the opportunity to sleep with Jon Hamm, but his character in Bridesmaids is kind of a total jerk. In the opening sex scene with Kristen Wiig, Hamm quickly speeds back up even though Wiig *just* asked him to slow the pace, presumably because that felt better for her. Sex is all about communication and compromise, and this scene is regrettably lacking the latter. In your own sex lives, set the pace however you want, but make sure that things feel good for both partners.
6. Cringeworthy Dirty Talk (Gigli)
"Gobble gobble"? That's the sexiest line you could think of, JLo? Although there are lots of benefits of dirty talk, I suggest sticking the with prescribed lexicon instead of busting out the turkey impression. (Unless you like that sort of thing, of course.)
7. Faking It (Forgetting Sarah Marshall)
There's nothing less sexy than faking an orgasm (especially if it's only to make your ex jealous). I'm staunchly against faked Os, because sex is all about mutual satisfaction, and that's not something you should pretend is happening if it's not. When you fake it, you're telling your partner that whatever they're doing is working — even though it's not. That gives them the wrong idea of how to please you, which will only make future sex unsatisfying, too. The best thing you can do? Improve your communication in the bedroom and don't be afraid to say what is and isn't working.
Cringing? Take a look at some of the best sex positions from movies and give those a try instead.
Images: Carolco Pictures; Regency Enterprises; Annapurna Pictures; Universal Pictures (3); Revolution Studios