43 Percent of Men Ejaculate In Under Two Minutes, So Here Are 6 Tips to Planning a Quickie
I'm just going to say it: I think quickies are way, way underrated. That's not to knock languid bone-a-thons and their obvious merits (multiples! acrobatics! patchy butt-rug burns that are the minxy adult equivalent of the Girl Scout badge if ever there was one!). Still, an arduous, lengthy romp in the sheets is one hell of a time commitment, and I? Am a busy girl. Like Olivia Pope, but sloppier.
For this reason and for others (laziness, certainly, is a factor), I appreciate the efficiency of quickies. They're just so easy! They can be so much fucking fun! And if you date a dude, odds are good that you're nodding along to all this, since new information from a book called The New Naked: The Ultimate Sex Education for Grown Ups says that 43 percent of men finish in under two minutes.
Sure, on the one hand, it's like, good luck revving the engine without even bothering to search for the car keys. But on the flip side, it's like, well, we could just hail a cab or call an Uber or whatever, or maybe Lyft, if that's available in this city yet, and like if you have some cables or whatever we could probably jump-start the car, and — um, I totally lost control of this metaphor, but the POINT is, who are we to turn up our noses at two minutes of satisfying sex?
"Satisfying" is the key word here, of course. Think of a quickie as, I don't know, a sex snack — coital Go-Gurt, if you will — that hits the spot when a sex banquet is neither practical nor appropriate. And, as with most snacks, you can pretty much sneak a quickie in whenever. You could pencil one in today, in fact. You're wasting tons of two-minute intervals! For example...
1. Between alarms
Ugh, yes, I know, it's a lot of work to wake up between the first and second alarm, or, you know, the third and fourth alarm. But if you're both awake and sentient enough to get it on, you totally should. (I cannot stress "both awake and sentient" enough. C-O-N-S-E-N-T.) If you go for it before your last alarm, you'll be out of bed at the same time you always are, if not earlier! Productive.
2. While you're brushing your teeth
This is perhaps the most economic way to pork. I don't know why I don't do it every day. Brush your teeth with one hand, brace yourself against the sink or the wall with your other, and enjoy a vigorous, doggie-style quickie. NB: Even though short sex caps off at two minutes on average, dentists would remind you that, for oral hygiene's sake, three minutes are better than two in this instance.
3. When your Amy's burrito is defrosting in the microwave
When you're hungry, does it not feel like frozen organic burritos take five years to cook? Indeed, it does. Distract yourself with a little somethin'-somethin'. Here, I already have the perfect pick-up line for you:
4. Mid-midday yoga sesh (or mid-pre-run stretch)
I only exercise sporadically, so when I do, I make sure to stretch the bejeezus out of my muscles so they don't turn on me. As it just so happens, certain poses and stretches are ripe for an eensy bit of nookie. Use your judgment, naturally — I won't be blamed for ruining your figure skating career.
5. On hold with Time Warner Cable
Frankly, you may have time to plan and execute an orgy before TWC (or a similarly exhausting service provider) connects you to an actual human representative capable of explaining why in the actual fuck your Internet has stopped working for the third time in as many weeks. You certainly have time for a quickie. Hell, put it on speaker. Can you say "erotic asphyxiation"?
6. During Hulu commericals
Do people still even have cable anymore? (See: my above TWC complaints.) Anyway, Hulu commercials can be a total drag, but this can be easily remedied with a little spontaneous couch action. You're, like, so above and beyond this corporate, commercial culture.
Inspired? Then, by all means, vite, vite!