I've got a nasty habit and it's called Kim Kardashian: Hollywood. Kimmie's smartphone game has got ahold of me so thoroughly that if and when my phone dies, you can find me cowering in a corner, tethered to my charging chord and whispering "precious" over the soft glow of my Android's whimpering screen. Naturally, when Kim's other mega-successful venture, Keeping Up With The Kardashians , airs a trip to Thailand I can't help but absorb all of this information like how impossibly amazing Kim looks in a white jersey-knit maxi skirt, orchestrated mother-daughter "squabbles," and outdoor massage parlors (which are totally a thing) without filtering it through the cartoon world that now consumes my brain.
This week on Keeping Up With The Kardashians, we venture to part two of their Thailand excursion — which is surprisingly similar to all the stuff they do in Calabasas, plus or minus a teal-tinged ocean excursion or two — and shit gets weird. Right off the bat, Kendall and Kylie jet off around town without supervision or permission, sending their parents, sisters and step siblings into a surprisingly unperturbed version of a tizzy (because the producers definitely didn't send the teens off on an adventure just to stir up drama for the show). Khloe and Kim identify their location with the help of a few selfies, find the girls getting outdoor massages (which apparently entail an older woman kneading your hiney over your jorts), and Momager (er, Kris) doesn't even bother to feign anger at the girls while all Bruce can do is stew (I'm guessing the producers left him in the dark to produce said reaction).
The rest of the episode consisted of Brody facing serious teasing from Kim and his brother after he walked in on Kim taking selfies and joked that he got "a half chub" (if you're not sure what that means, just ask Kendall, who totally knew what the term meant already because she's an adult, OK? She knows it's "like foreplay" and definitely didn't look that up on Urban Dictionary before filming started). This all culminated in Brody posing naked with palm leaves in Kim's bed (because Kanye was too many continents away to destroy him with a single glare) while Kim took photos (because every moment is Instagram-worthy) and prepared to later shame Khloe for having emotions and dating "like 50 rappers" during this trying, post-Lamar time. Great move, Kimmie.
And here's how that all would look, played out on Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, because I can't be the only one who thinks this way now:
"Hey kid! It's Simon! Get down to town center with Kylie and make Bruce Jenner's head explode!"
(Time: 3 Hours)
"Hey doll, it's Maria. You know what would really earn you some fans? Make everyone awkward by joking about your step brother being super into you. Thanks a mil!"
(Time: 8 Inexplicable Hours)
"Khloe's mad at me, so why don't you come to this club appearance in Las Vegas and then buy a $6 million dollar mansion you can't yet afford? It would make me feel a lot better and I promise I'll tweet about you!"
+10,000,000 Lemmings
*KUWTK Whistling Sounds*
Images: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood (3); Alterations Bustle (3)
