Did Michelle K. Hook Up with A Crew Member on 'Bachelor in Paradise'? A Scientific Analysis
After making her monumentally weird exit from Bachelor in Paradise last week, Michelle K. received some serious shade. Sarah Herron (from Sean Lowe's season) seethed, "I wasn't surprised to see her trying to make a spectacle out of this." Oh girl, if you could have only seen the "Next Episode On," your bitterness would have gone from average to AshLee (in this show, or her season with Sean, pick one) in a hot second, because things are about to get spectacular. As Marquel got up to present his first rose at the Rose Ceremony on Steroids, Michelle K. commanded the floor. She was taking an early exit, and she didn't "want to waste [her] time," and as an afterthought, "anyone else's time."
Quitting isn't unheard of in The Bachelor franchise; at least in recent years, around one person per season leaves early because he or she isn't making a connection. Michelle K. had six men in front of her — all wearing ridiculous clothes, all sweating, and yet all still freakishly handsome — and she wasn't attracted to any of them. That's probably a sign this isn't the "journey" for you.
But then, things got weird — well, weirder than they had already been. When Michelle first arrived she made gave some confusing answers when Chris Harrison asked if everyone was single: "Mayyyyybe," and then updated to, "I mean...sure," when pressed. Then, during her exit interview, when asked if she really wanted to find love (by a particularly annoyed-sounding producer), she hit us with another "maybe"... as in, maybe she already had.
It's common knowledge that participants in Bachelor shows don't get to leave the premises, and definitely never unsupervised. So, how could Michelle K. have found love outside of the curated group of muscular rejects she was presented with? The most common theory, and certainly what is implied in the preview for this week's episode, is that Michelle K. started a relationship with a crew member or producer, either before or during the show. Even that's not unheard of on this show and especially not on reality TV: Arie from Emily Maynard's season had previously had a relationship with a producer that he had to cop to; Kandi Burruss from The Real Housewives of Atlanta met her now-husband when he became a producer on the show's out-of-country trip to Africa; and let us never forget Dave from The Real World: Seattle . It kills him, Kara!
Starting a relationship with a crew member can get you into big trouble on these shows, and it generally gets the crew member fired. But can it get you into so much trouble that someone would risk their life to not get caught? Apparently. Bachelor in Paradise is not a game.
Though Michelle K. thought she had seen the last of us when she quit, we have not seen the last of her. In this Monday's episode, Chris Harrison shows up at her door with a few followup questions, like, "Why did you leave in such a flurry of sketchiness?" (that may or may not be an exact quote) and to quote Michelle Money, "Why do you have 'this look like [you're] plotting to kill [me] and [my] whole family?'"
Well, I should say, Chris Harrison shows up at someone's door; it looks to be in a large house, not a hotel, so it's either her old BIP room, which is a super dumb move, or the crew member's room, which is an equally dumb move. What a pair!
Who are things going so badly for? Michelle K. only stands to lose one episode's worth of appearance fee, unless she's in violation of her contract and could be sued. But considering how much drama ABC is getting from this little ordeal, I don't know if that case would hold in a court of law.
So, they must be saying that threatening the crew member; things are going "very badly" for Michelle K.'s new lover. Who is clearly just as bonkers as she is, because...
...he thought he could get out of this just by exiting the incriminating room by any means necessary.
But he clearly could not.
Somebody — most likely a crew member on this show — is about to break both of their legs trying to date Michelle K. Was it worth it Bachelor in Paradise producer/camera man/grip/crew member extraordinaire? WAS IT WORTH IT?
We'll only know exactly what happens to that pair of legs and why by watching tonight, but just to cover all my bases, I'll float a few other potential theories that, keeping Michelle K. in mind, are actually just as plausible:
- Michelle K. dressed up as both herself and a man, and put on a movie in the background like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone 2: Trapped in New York, and then broke her own legs trying to keep up the charade.
- Those are Chris Harrison's legs, because Michelle K. went crazy on him post-door knock, and no amount of crew members, mid-hook-up or not, could have saved him.
- Michelle K. was actually the secret girlfriend of Ben the Sociopathic Dad the whole time, and one of those legs belongs to each of them.
Aaaaand, one more time to hold you over...
Images: Bob D'Amico/ABC; ABC (Screenshots) (5)