Every October, we must once again wrestle with that most eternal and haunting of autumnal questions: will this be the year that the preservatives used in a Pumpkin Spice Latte finally kill me? But October also brings with it another, slightly less pressing question, one that you are nonetheless probably still wrestling with: what should I dress up as for Halloween? Now, I know you have a lot of options, from sexy nun to sexy insurance adjuster, but this year, I think you should wear a funny Halloween costume.
Funny Halloween costumes are more than just a way to ensure that you stand out from the body glitter-wearing, "sexy angel" pack: they're excellent conversation starters, and they don't generally smear everything up with sticky fake blood (unlike your generic "zombie" costume. You are ruining couches left and right with that thing!). Funny costumes also communicate something specific about your personality to potential dates, and they are virtually guaranteed to get you free drinks everywhere you go.
No, I'm not talking about those confusingly-sexy costumes — because sexy Elmo just isn't funny. I'm talking about good, old-fashioned funny costumes, with a few puns thrown in for good measure.
So join me, won't you, in picking out a funny Halloween costume this year? You have nothing to lose but some super-uncomfortable 6" heels that you're going to take off about 20 minutes into the evening anyway.
Show me someone who doesn’t like an innovative pun-based Halloween costume like this, and I will show you a broken shell of a human being.
LEGO MY EGGO
This costume covers all your topical (who didn’t enjoy The Lego Movie?) and classic (who doesn’t like waffles?) bases.
GRAPES OF WRATH
This costume is both great for office parties (no revealing clothes, no topical references to awkwardly explain to older co-workers) AND a good excuse to randomly start screaming at the top of your lungs and smashing stuff all night.
They also sell a full-head Grumpy cat rubber mask, but that might cross the line from "clever" to "nightmare fuel."
HELGA FROM HEY ARNOLD
Particularly great if you’ve been looking for a way to put the moves on a guy named Arnold.
PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE
Your blood is 98 percent PSL by this point in the season, anyway, so why not be proud of it?
No need to tell anyone if the yoga pants, Uggs, and Northface you're wearing are actually just ripped from your regular wardrobe. Just throw a pointy black hat on top, and tell everyone that you're a "basic witch."
PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES
Okay, fine, I lift my zombie ban for this one, but just because it was such a delightful book.
Why should Halloween be the one day people look at photos of you that haven't been Earlybird-ed?
SHIA LABEOUF WITH A BAG ON HIS HEAD
Be the first of your lazy/ pop culture-obsessed/ lazy AND pop culture-obsessed friends to bust this one out.
Do know in advance that some smart alec is going to be asking about the whereabouts of your balls all night.
ZOMBIE "V-J DAY IN TIMES SQUARE"
Okay, I was lying before about zombies being a horrible costume. Zombies are great as a starting point! I would also recommend "Zombie American Gothic" and "Zombie Whistler's Mother," if you really want to bring your art history degree into this.
MONSTER under the BED
Leave all those topical costumes in the dust with this gem, which is not only clever and unique, but proves that there is someone in the world who likes you enough to commit to spending a whole party standing within two feet of your butt.
Spray paint a store-bought Batman costume white, and perhaps you will finally begin to understand the pseudo-spiritual depths of Twitter's most mystical celebrity.
SNL'S MARY KATHERINE GALLAGHER
Great for people who love the '90s, or people like me, who pretty much already dress like this.
I usually find celebrity death Halloween costumes tacky, but since Marie died more than 200 years ago, we're probably not running into "too soon" territory here.
DARIA & JANE
Dress up as "Katy Perry dressing up as Jane" to add ultra-double-triple Inception levels of fun to this costume.
Hilarious and easy.
KIMYE'S GOLDEN WEDDING TOILET
Spray-paint this baby gold, and then spend the entire party talking about how no one understands you unique vision.
Get it? It's a belief, only a bee-leaf.
BEAVIS & BUTTHEAD
I'm not just the president of urging you to dress up like Beavis & Butthead. I'm also a member.
Images:courtlcohen/ Instagram, passport_liz/ Instagram, Eli Christman/ Flickr, Giphy (2), Zombieite/ Flickr, abbysamps/ Instagram, Buzz Andersen/ Flickr, Bob Jagendorf/ Flickr, Jason Meredith/ Flickr (2), Eden, Janine, and Jim/ Flickr, jessicazoe21/Instagram, Jeffrey Beall/ Flickr, Pilar Belendez-Deshaw/Bustle; Gabrielle Moss