When Kim Kardashian updated her iPhone game to include the ability to get married, I was pumped. But I was also nervous because I had exactly zero romantic prospects. I hadn't exactly taken to cultivating them because prior to the wedding update, dating had just been a time and money suck without much reward. Since I had dumped all of my former flames, I worried exactly how long it would take to get married in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood without the head start of an already budding romance. The answer? It takes forever and costs and arm and a leg.
OK, forever is kind of an overstatement considering most wedding planning takes at least a year. But if Khloe Kardashian could get married in nine days, I don't see why Kim's game should make me wait several real days. This is a game! I demand instant gratification! If I wanted a real wedding planning process I would get married IRL. (Probably not, actually, but you get my point, right? I don't like waiting to see my fairytale Florence wedding come to fruition.)
Well, tough luck for me, because if you're starting from scratch it takes a while to even get a ring on your finger, much less walk down the aisle. Here's a breakdown of what you can expect when your avatar decides to become a bride.
A MILLION DATES PRE-PROPOSAL
I had to go on seven dates before my partner pondered taking things to the next level. Our "love" meter had to hit about 300 points. In the grand scheme of life, seven dates isn't a lot. But seven dates costs you about 140 lightning bolts which takes 11 hours to earn if you do it the old fashioned way and wait five minutes for each bolt. But even if you travel the globe tapping pigeons and other hidden energy spots, it still takes about 45 minutes to complete the dates before your partner decides you're worth considering for a wedding.
3 MORE DATES TO EARN THE PROPOSAL
Once your partner has been on seven dates with you and senses your commitment, they'll tell you things are getting serious and the game will challenge you to complete three more dates 2-hour dates before the proposal. Ugh, that means getting engaged requires a 10 date minimum which is maybe more than I've ever gone on since the game came out. You get three full days to complete this challenge, but it only takes 10 hours if you're waiting for your battery to recharge, and only 40 minutes if you can fork over the money to travel to all the game's locations searching for energy.
FINALLY THE PROPOSAL! EVERYTHING IS SMOOTH SAILING AFTER THIS, RIGHT?
Not really, because now Maria and Simon have you jet-setting all over the place to meet with wedding planners and you also have to take the time to break the news to Kim (who is thrilled for you, obvs). But this part is a little more fun. After you talk to Kim she tells you to buy a wedding dress (which costs A FORTUNE). Good thing I was saving up to buy a yacht because I had enough in game cash to splurge on the gown. Otherwise it could have taken me a whole day just to earn the money needed. (I refuse to spend my real money buying digital cash even if it is faster.)
Then you zip over to Italy to meet your wedding planner. I must be close to the nuptials now, I naively thought. But no, the digital version of David Beckham and Posh Spice ruined everything by choosing to get married at the same time at the same place! So I had to rush to put down the $7,500 downpayment and secure the spot for myself. (THAT'S JUST THE DOWNPAYMENT? I'm going to be washing dishes in the reception hall kitchen forever just to afford the rest of the bill, then.)
Maria gives you one day to come up with the cash. (How come I have to pay for everything? What about my partner?) So assuming you didn't just have about $15,000 laying around before you started this wedding process, it would already take you like two days of playing just to earn the money for the dress and venue. Sigh, at least I can get married now?
BUT THEN, EVEN MORE DATES
I thought everything was set. I forked over the cash, decorated my location. (I wanted the Kimye flower wall but it was 120 K stars so I settled for the $1000 flower arch instead.) But before I can live out my happy day a scandal breaks that my girlfriend is cheating on me and to please the media I have to go on three more dates. Ugh. There goes another couple of hours of my day.
THEN A MAGAZINE SHOOT?
WHY IS THIS PROCESS SO HARD? I JUST WANT TO GET MARRIED! I'm starting to believe the wedding is a sham to just get me to work more and/or to make me feel sorry for Kim who had to do it more than once. Now Simon wants me to do an 3-hour photo shoot for a magazine to give them the exclusive look at my gown. (Tell you what, I'll just invite the magazine staff to my wedding, that'll save time.) Not only do you have to wait eight hours just to start the photo shoot, but once you begin it will still take 42 energy bolts (Or three real hours to earn). If you have time to go on an energy hunt it will take approximately 20 minutes to complete. But that's only after you wait eight hours for Simon to tell you to start. Ugh.
FINALLY THE WEDDING
After your photo shoot you finally get to go get married! It's funny because the ceremony is over so fast. The pastor doesn't even recite the complete vows. (Is this marriage even legal?)
In the blink of an eye all your money and time is gone and the ceremony was about three seconds long. Although having known a few brides in my life, that seems pretty accurate of how actual weddings are.
So how long does it take to actually walk down the aisle? That depends on your level of dedication. If you have time to play as you wish it can take up to four days. If you play straight through you can get it done in about two. Now you just have to hope your wedding lasts longer than 72 days.
Images: Kim Kardashian: Hollywood (8)