OK, Birkenstock, You Have Our Attention

It must be Halloween season because literally the scariest thing ever just happened — and no, I'm not talking about the announcement that the BTK killer is penning an instructional memoir. No, the scariest thing ever is this: shearling-lined "winter" Birkenstocks are happening. Nordstrom is selling them. Opening Ceremony is selling them. I'm crying just thinking about it. You can't escape the ugly sandal, it seems. Even in the winter.

The news broke over the weekend when Opening Ceremony Instagrammed a photo of the offending shearling-lined sandals, plus a pair of shearling-lined clogs (noooooo) and a bizarre furry platform shoe by the brand Low Classic ("classic" they are not). I'm so upset about this, guys! At least give us a few months off from having to look at so-called "ugly-chic" sandals every time we step outside during the winter months.

Aside from the sheer hideous-ness of it all — the sandals, in particular, look like Birkenstocks that are sprouting pubic hair — no amount of shearling will make these shoes actually warm. Clogs and sandals don't even cover the whole foot! Any shoe that leaves parts of your feet exposed does not protect from polar vortex-levels of chill, even if you layer up with thick wool socks. If the projections for the 2014/2015 winter weather are any indication, next season's frost will slice through those bad boys faster than you can say "frost bite."

Oh, and did I mention that they're hideous? Not even Chloe Sevigny can pull these off, and she can pull off everything. In fact, I'm pretty sure she's actually just a mirage made up of carefully crafted Opening Ceremony offerings. If the coolest girl in the world can't make shearling-lined clogs happen, no one can.

Image: openingceremony/Instagram