11 Halloween Makeup Mistakes Guaranteed to Give You Spooky Nightmares Forever
Halloween comes but once a year, and you'd better look TOTALLY PERFECT…or else. Forget about "college graduation" or "your wedding day" — this is the time to invest in a blowout, a spray tan, a pair of Chanel ballet flats for the after party, and a little preemptive Botox. And if your Halloween makeup isn't flawless, you can forget about filling up that (silk) pillowcase with (organic, gluten-free) chocolates, young lady! Can you imagine what other trick-or-treaters would say?
A perfect costume is a no-brainer: All you need are a couple of safety pins, some double-sided tape, a professional seamstress who studied under Karl Lagerfeld for at least a decade, and a "costume consultant" who can help you dream up the perfect not-too-ironic, not-too-scary, not-too-been-there-done-that get-up will win all the prizes and intimidate all your fremenies while simultaneously catching the eye of your soulmate from across the room.
Halloween beauty is where it gets tricky. If you make one of these heinous mistakes on All Hallow's Eve, your friend group will probably never speak to you again. Plus, you run the very real risk of causing the neighborhood children to shriek, “Mommy, why does the pretty lady have visible bronzer streaks on her cheekbones?” And that, my friends, would be true horror.
Mistake #1: Your hilarious “normcore” look is actually just really boring!!!
You wore the dollar store scrunchie and the label-free, mall-rat dad jeans; you forewent any sort of makeup except for a swipe of (drugstore) mascara and a little lip gloss that you've had since 1995. You thought your costume would act as a scathing, clever commentary on the normcore trend that's ravaging polite society. But horror of horrors, NOBODY GETS IT. The cute dude in the Edward Scissorhands costume even asked if you “uh, didn't dress up at all?”
Mistake #2: Your glamorous false lashes refuse to cooperate!!!
What kind of devil-zombie-vampire hybrid invented false lashes? After struggling with your falsies for an agonizing 45 minutes — while they sprang from eye to cheek to floor like two hairy, possessed spiders — you realize that your dream of lush, fluttering lashes has been crushed forever. Can you dress up as a Partially Blinded By Eyelash Adhesive Person for Halloween, or is that offensive?
Mistake #3: Your pin-up girl lipstick gets on your teeth!!!
Your corset is tightened, your polka-dot skirt is flaring, and your victory rolls have never looked better. You're ready to make some soldiers long for home — until a quick glance into the nearest mirror reveals a truth far more horrifying than the ravages of wartime. YOUR RED LIPSTICK HAS GONE WHERE NO RED LIPSTICK SHOULD EVER GO. And with a jolt of terror, you understand why Halloween has so many grinning skulls around — they're all women who ripped off their entire faces when they realized they had lipstick on their teeth.
Mistake #4: Your organic, gluten-free vampire blood tastes disgusting!!!!!
Why did you insist on springing for the expensive stuff? Why couldn't you just use CVS-brand vampire blood like everyone else at this tacky party?! Now, instead of gazing across the dance floor with a dangerously come-hither look, you're busy rinsing your mouth out with soap. Where's the glamour in this brand of yuppie vampirism, man?!
Mistake #5: You SO did not need that much glitter.
“On All Hallow's Eve, more is more,” you whispered to yourself as you applied highlighter, illuminator, glitter eyeliner, glitter eyeshadow, glitter lipstick, and about four pounds of body glitter to your long-suffering face. By the end of the night, your face has rubbed off all over the dance floor and you've got a terrible rash. The next morning, you look like you've got Saran wrap plastered over your skin. Get used to it: This stuff is never coming off.
Mistake #6: Your ironic “Facebook” costume is misspelled!!!!!!!!!
Like a total lemming, you copied the hilarious "Facebook" costume idea from Jim Halpert ( The Office ), but you forgot to run spellcheck on your own darn visage. Look, now you're the laughing stock of the Phi Beta Kappa Halloween Cocktail Hour.
Mistake #7: You wasted your expensive makeup on a "third eye" that looks like a kindergarden drawing! Why don't you know how to draw a normal eye? The white part is on the outside! You could have just looked one centimeter down at your own eyes for reference! What is wrong with you?!
Great job springing for the good eyeshadow palette, because — after you used half of it drawing an "alluring" third eye on your forehead and preparing reverse pickup lines like, “Have you noticed the sky is gray today? It's because all the blue is in my eyes" — you quickly realized that the whole thing looks like a kindergarten project. Who are you even supposed to be, anyway?
Mistake #8: Your dramatic liquid liner is actually possessed by the devil!!!
The first eye was totally fine. You drew on that seductive cat-eye swoop with a cool flick of your wrist, and stared at yourself in the mirror with pride, thinking, "Watch out boys, there's a new Alexa Chung in town." But once you started on the second eye, everything went wrong. The liner took on a life of its own and started drawing its wicked symbols all over your cheek before heading straight for your eyeball. And when you're getting ready in the bathroom with Kanye blaring from your phone, nobody can hear you scream.
Mistake #9: Your witchy black mascara smeared — because you just had to go and watch YouTube videos of Marines being reunited with their kids before the big party — and now you look like a celebrity mug shot!!!!
You were going to head off to your friend's Halloween party as a cool, aloof witch, but you forgot to buy the waterproof mascara, and after a few rounds of watching middle school girls sob in their daddy's arms, you look like you're about to get assigned some community service at the morgue.
Mistake #10: Your vegan, carcinogen-free, blood-red nail polish leaked outside of the lines!!!!
You decided to give a coy, sophisticated nod to Halloween with a bit of spooky — but eco-friendly — red nail polish, but horror of horrors, you just can't seem to draw inside the lines. Now you're about to go straight Lady Macbeth on the next person who asks if there's something wrong with your manicurist. Out, out, damned polish!
Mistake #11: Your blonde wig doesn't want to let you out!!!!!
Wigs are expensive, so you opted for the $5.99 one from Walgreens, and now you CAN'T FIND YOUR WAY OUT OF THE POSSESSED THING. Where's the front? What is this netting? How do you breathe? Why is this hair so soft? Where do the eyes go? IS ANYBODY OUT THERE?!?!?!?!?!?
Images: Tori Telfer