'Fifty Shades of Grey' Gets a Christian Makeover

If you own a beating heart and functioning eyeballs, then you’ve probably at least heard that the newest 50 Shades of Grey trailer has been released. It’s overtly naughty, so the universe is quite pleased. Except for some devout Christians, who are predictably not-so pleased*.

And since we live in America, a country that encourages its people to speak up and exercise the blessed first amendment, it came as no surprise that someone responded to the Fifty Shades phenomena by creating "Old Fashioned", the anti-Fifty Shades of Grey. Old Fashioned is basically everything 50 Shades of Grey is not. It's about a virginal, broody dude who doesn’t believe in dating, because dating is a morally bankrupt way to get to know people. He tries to close himself off from a free-spirited lady who describes her longing to "follow the warmth and fuzzies" because he wants his relationship to be meaningful and God-approved, but girl is persistent. The trailer graciously provides a brief prologue from the writer/director/main character, Rik Swartwelder, and he basically gives us an ambitious spiel about how he’s going to take down Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day. Swartwelder says:

Love and romance are created by God and designed to lead to marriage and physical intimacy…I find it impossible to not believe that, deep down, we don’t want to celebrate something more than Fifty Shades.

I would argue love and romance are created by hormones and vodka shots, but maybe that’s just my life. As much as I applaud Swartwelder for his valiant efforts to challenge Fifty Shades, there is just no way a girl like that would allow herself to be strung along by a 30-something antique shop owner who probably majored in philosophy for six years. That’s just 50 shades of Eh, I'm Good, Thanks.

*And anyone who finds the plot severely lacking in feminism, accurate portrayals of BDSM, and a positive discussion about sexual freedom and expression, BUT that’s a different article entirely.

Image: Old Fashioned/YouTube