As winter's cruel, icy grip descends upon us, it is once again time to forget any summertime delusions you had about "meeting someone organically, you know, like at a party or volunteering or something," and dust off your online dating profile. Yes, the annual event known as "cuffing season" is in full swing. Which means it is now time to devote dozens upon dozens of hours — hours that you could be using to cure cancer, compose symphonies, or at least masturbate and then watch some of those Law & Order episodes that you DVR'd six months ago — crafting the perfect online dating profile.
But while you're endlessly laboring to find the perfect words to describe yourself, your interests, and the potential mate whom you hope will eventually prevent you from dying alone, others are not so devoted. In fact, dating sites are packed with eerily similar profiles, full of vague phrases that somehow make you feel like you know even less about the profile than you did before you read it. What exactly constitutes "living in the moment"? What does it mean to have "no time for drama"? WHY ARE YOU TAKING THE "SIX THINGS I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT" QUESTION SO LITERALLY, FOR GOD'S SAKE?
But even the vaguest, most cookie-cutter dating profile clichés mean something — even if that meaning isn't exactly what the profile writer had in mind. What is truly going on inside the hearts and minds of the online dating hordes? Read on as we live to laugh, love to listen, and learn to decode the true meanings of cliché OkCupid profiles.
I can't believe I'm actually on a dating site: My younger sister is getting married. Can you believe this shit? She's only known that guy for, like, what, six months?! I have a hard time believing that'll work out in the end, honestly. But fine, she's an adult, she can do whatever she wants!
My best friend put me up to this: My best friend has no idea that I am on here. And if I do meet someone on here, I am going to tell her that we met at Crossfit class.
I'm quirky: I'm tired of straightening my hair every morning.
I'm a bit of a nerd: I am trying to scare off any dudes whose profiles are all about how they "love to go hiking." Also, I liked the new Star Trek movie okay.
I'm sarcastic: I'm emotionally exhausted.
I'm laid-back: Also often physically exhausted.
I take advantage of everything life has to offer: I have a lot of credit card debt from my early 20s.
I don't have time for drama: The mere fact that I am bringing up "drama" out of the blue right here means that I have literally endless amounts of time for all kinds of drama, from reading your texts, to "accidentally" typing a complaint about you to you over Gchat, and then pretending that I meant to send it to someone else.
I like to be both silly and serious: Someone who can keep up with my mood swings — and also maybe just think of them as charming quirks, like we're in 500 Days of Summer or something?
I live in the moment: Okay, fine, I am still racking up a little more credit card debt right now. But what was I supposed to do, not buy that machine that makes little bowls out of bacon? I mean, I could use that to start a home business! It's an investment in my future! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO CRUSH MY DREAMS?!
Let's explore this amazing city together: I just moved here and know literally no one. Help.
I have an awesome publicity job: One that keeps me at work until 11 p.m. every night, even on days when I'm not supposed to be working (especially on days when I'm not supposed to be working). #SometimesIWantToChangeMyNameAndStartANewLifeOnAShrimpingBoat
I'm good at random stuff: Refreshing Twitter over and over, wondering why no one favorited my joke that was a wordplay on "potato skins." (It was a good joke! Damn you all!)
I like Game of Thrones: I either genuinely like Game of Thrones, or I heard that everyone else likes Game of Thrones and thought that would be more palatable than admitting to what I actually watch (Nancy Grace and anything on ABC Family about an orphan who changes someone's life).
I like pizza: I'm low maintenance.
I like tacos: Soooooooooo low maintenance!
I like craft beer: I'm not, like, a regular online dater, I'm a cool online dater!
I couldn't live without family, friends, my cat, coffee, my iPhone, running: I am either not willing to share any actual personal information on this profile, or I thought it would scare off potential suitors if I was honest and just wrote "leather sex swing" six times.
Message me and I'll tell you what I "spend a lot of time thinking about": I have no idea what this question is even supposed to mean. Sex, I guess?
There's no such thing as a typical Friday night for me: This is because I spend pretty much every Friday night on an OkCupid date, doing some dumb "kooky" date activity that no one actually likes, like going to the aquarium or painting our own pottery or getting a 2-for-1 colonic because I found a Groupon for it.
I love trying new things: But still, I can't wait to try some dumb "kooky" date activities with you! Did somebody say "home kombucha brewing workshop"??
I'm as comfortable going and drinking beers as I am staying home and having a Netflix marathon: I can't wait until I have someone to date and never have to go out on a Friday night ever again.
Sometimes I get crazy: Sometimes I get my stomach pumped.
But I'm mostly pretty low-key: Sometimes I pretend that I did not get my stomach pumped, and act like I don't even know what you're talking about when you bring it up.
I'm down for adventures: I'm eager to touch the flesh of another human being again.
Looking for a partner in crime: aka a person who will accompany me to my younger sister's wedding in two months.
Of course, creating a vague, cliché-riddled profile doesn't mean you don't stand a chance at finding love — in fact, in the three hours after I mocked up this profile for this article, it received five messages from dudes intrigued by DoubleEspresso14's interest in "cupcakes" and "random stuff." Does this mean that clichés remain popular in the online dating world, even though we know better, because they telegraph a generic vibe of uncomplicated happiness and vulnerability that some people find deeply attractive? Or does it mean that "random stuff" is code for a sex act too foul to describe in this publication? We may never know, gentle reader. But I'd guess that it's probably the sex one.