Unless you've been hiding under a rock for the past few weeks, chances are that you know The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 premieres this weekend. Book fans and moviegoers alike will flock to the theaters like herds of tribute cattle, all equally anxious to see how the latest installment of this widely popular franchise will play out on the silver screen. I, for one, am happy to include myself in this category and may or may not already be planning on returning for a second (or third) showing later on. However, there are those of you out there — and you know who you are — who have absolutely no intention of gong to see the movie this weekend or possibly… ever. (Gasp!)
Clearly, this is an important matter that needs to be handled Olivia Pope-style because a.) I am now thoroughly concerned about your priorities and mental health, and b.) I'm unsure if we can even be friends at this point. Seriously, though, unless you're just entirely unfamiliar with the franchise in general (in which case, HOW DARE YOU?!), then there's really no excuse as to why you should miss such a monumental event. But hey, I am not without compassion, and understand that some circumstances just cannot be prevented. So I've decided to go ahead and list the only acceptable excuses for having to miss out on Mockingjay this weekend. Anything beyond this just will not do.
I guess you could say in these instances that the odds just weren't in your favor:
You Are Currently In Jail
First of all, since you're in jail I'm just going to go ahead and assume you're not known for making the smartest decisions. Secondly, I've watched enough Orange Is the New Black to know that your accommodations in the "Big House" aren't exactly ideal, so I doubt you would have access to a DVD let alone an actual movie theater. There's just no real way around this one, so I gotta give you a pass.
You Are On Your Deathbed
I mean, this one is pretty self explanatory, right? I'm not a monster.
You're Busy Hanging Out With the Actual Hunger Games Cast
If this is the case, then you are already living the best life you could be. Carry on, my friend. Carry on. (Also, can I come too?)
Your Apartment Catches Fire Right Before You Leave
Maybe if you were going to see Catching Fire, the circumstances would be too weirdly appropriate to ignore, but since this is Mockingjay I'll let it slide. It's the least I can do for the girl (whose place is) on fire.
You Just Spent Your Last Bit of Your Money on Nutella
Even I can't come between someone and their Nutella habit. I don't care if the purchase makes you late on rent, that is money well spent.
You Are Marrying Tom Hiddleston
Well, apart from the fact that I officially hate you, I can't fault you for choosing this gorgeous specimen of a man over a movie. Tom Hiddleston wins every time.
As for the rest of you, I volunteer you as tribute to get yourself to a theater ASAP!